Verdict

Well helllllloooo. It's me. The once a year blogger, last entry May 11! lol. Yea I'm still here. Figured it's a month into the new year and I'd say hi!

"Hi"

I'm just kidding. Sort of, I don't sit on the computer much and when I do its usually to make something for Girl Scouts! Where it goes very underapreciated. But at least I feel good about it right?

Update from last pathetic blog....I'm still running. I do enjoy it but it's become one of those thing to make me feel guilty when I don't do. Add it to the list right? So I'm signed up for a race a month for now till May. Then I guess I'll look into some more. I really like them even thought the nerves are unexplainable before the race. And the demons that say "are you out of your f-in mind" always show up!!!! I did join a gym but it's hard to get the kids there with me--middle guy hates it though he does go---and then i try to go at night but feel **guilty** for leaving the hubby home alone while the kids are asleep when it's the only time it seems sane enough to talk at home! When I'm there I think yea I'll be back every day this week...lol must be the state of delusion i'm in while running in place! Lack of oxygen or something!

Hmm house looks like toys r us blew up and they didn't want to clean the reckage. Another ***guilty*** issue. Why can't I clean this sh*t hole up?! June Clever I am NOT.

Money...ugh that has been a big one. Where does it all go?? I'm not a huge shopper. I don't wear fancy clothes or do anything extravagant. I don't think I need to add in the feeling I have here...you know...the my bringing no income and we have no money verdict! ****GUILTY**** yea i did it anyway!

I'm stuck in a wierd rut. Anyone feel that way?

A small awesome tidbit, for xmas we got a heating blanket....I may be in love. I set it when the kids go to bed and when I finally climb in it's nice an toasty.....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Of course the youngest climbs in around 1am and the middle wakes around 3 where hubby goes to his room to sleep out the last 3hours till he has to get up. Hey...more blanket for me :)

***Guilty-Pleasure!!

TTFN. I may be back. (get it MAY)

Did I pass?

Ok so here I am! Hello again! I've been really bad getting to the computer lately. I really don't know how people accomplish working from home. But whatever, I can never sit here without it being midnight or having someone on my lap. I've been slacking on here and on daily mile and well dare I say it...even face book! No one seems to miss me though so I"m not pressured....Yea that's the way I'm looking at it ok!!!

Anywho. I guess I passed the judgement day? I'm kinda shocked. I've been really selfish lately. Today was the viewing for one of the triplets. The one's I've ranted on about before...yea. I hadn't heard much since they were born in April. I didn't think too much of it as I didn't hear anything about the parents or the babies unless it was news that was passed along to me. But last week I hear the horrible news. One of the little boys contracted NEC and as it usually happens in preemies...couldn't fight it off. Horrible. Unspeakable. As much as I was upset at the way I was dealt into the situation, NEVER NEVER NEVER would I want anyone to have to feel this pain. I immediately contacted them and told them I was here and thinking of them.

But to go to the wake. Uh. I was shaking thinking of it....crying when mentally I was forcing my self to needing to go. But when it came down to it...I just couldn't. My second chance is the mass tomorrow, but I lock up a the thought of that little coffin. That is one of those images from Andrew I flash on and fall apart. So here I am...selfish. Not going for my own mental well being, though the guilt and need to please everyone creeps up. I'm going to send them something tomorrow. I can't see them taking offense to me not being there. I know I should have. I just couldn't do it. My baby girl will be 7 in less than a week. It's taken me 7 years to be able to talk about Andrew without my voice cracking. Their birthday is hard, the day he passed away is harder....watching the whole thing from a spectators point of view...ugh I'm pretty sure would just throw me back into mush.

Anyway. I'm here. Pretty shattered realizing I'm not as strong as I want to be for my friends. Please think of little Travis in you're prayers. And for his parents. Though they have two babies in the hospital to distract them now....this horrible pain and loss will always be there, waiting to get them when they think they feel content and happy.

Self Control

Well I've been struggling with self control lately. Today though I need extra strength. I'm headed over to girlscouts today and feel as if I'm going to be spied on. Seriously. This has become a mix of paranoia and pissed off-ed-ness. I'll pop in more unwanted details later but for now lets just say...I'll be running the meeting on my own tonight and the other leaders daughter wasn't coming and now suddenly she is.....I offered to give her a lift there since her mother can't be there and was told no she wasn't going...now suddenly a different mom is bringing her. Hmmm. Nice right. I"m so mad right now. All the kids slept last night and I was tossing and turning over this f-in meeting. AHHHHH. So angry. More to come.

Dr FeelGood.

I know you're all humming the Montly crew song...go ahead!!!

So everyone knows the whole friend with triplets saga....well here's another moral problem...my cousin has been going through tough times getting pregnant (no she's not having triplets..yet...) well my Mom yesterday told me one of her trials that "no one was supposed to know about" of course you know how well that stays in families!!! But anywho. So now on what was supposed to be a nice weekend at my Moms, hanging with my sister and brother and mom...was going to be an ambush of having breakfast with my cousin so I could be there for her and make her feel better. WHAT?! Ok. I love my cousin. Yes I know what it's like, I've been there. I also know that sometimes you don't want to talk about it. AND sometimes, MOM, the person who went through it doesn't want to talk about it either!!!! So needless to say I told the nosey nelly's that I would just call her on my own and see if she wants to talk..under her own obligation and not being tossed into "breakfast!"

So while I mentally mopped around, mostly for understanding my cousins struggles, I had to deal with psycho cookie leader. UGH. she really makes me feel just, bad. Thats it. I feel horrible around her, which is annoying cause I thought we got along. One of those things where you go back to your conversations and now wonder if she was rolling her eyes or sighing the whole time!!!

Needless to say I polished off a bottle of sparkling raspberry flavored wine last night and a hand...ok bag....of jelly beans. DR FEEL GOOD :)

2 years gone by now.

Well it's been two years since Dad passed away. I can't believe it's been two already. I really miss him. I miss his crazy ways. His inappropriate dirty jokes. His cooking--no matter what it was it smelled like butter and onions. His smell of coffee cigarettes and paint. His layers of flannel shirts that he wore as a jacket. His over stuffed velcro wallet that I'm pretty sure myself or one of my siblings bought him at that secret santa shop. How his eyes lit up when he saw his grandkids. His mustache that was turning "blond" though he knew it was grey. I even miss his stinky feet that would actually leave their Oder where ever they were resting! I miss calling him for stupid cooking questions. And him calling me just to "check in" and listen to the kids laugh or cry. The way that he make any day ok by going fishing.

My hubby took us all to the beach today. The ocean just makes me feel close to my Dad. The sounds the smell. I did ok till we were walking and saw an old man using the metal detector. It was at the same spot that you could really smell the cold salty ocean air.

He is the reason I love the beach and could never be far from one.

I miss you Pops. You really have left me with wonderful memories and so many things to cherish. Thank you.

sh*ty

Well apparently I'm a shitty friend, a shitty Mom, and all together shitty person.

Yea. I don't write this in plea of a bunch of reassuring "oh no you're not"s--if i were to get them!

But this week has been down right...well shitty!

Ive been going back and forth. Do I take my experience and use it to comfort someone which in return will probably send me down an emotional rollercoaster I just don't want to deal with...or do I just play spectator? Not only did I get the invitation to the triplet baby shower, my friend who's having triplets is now in the hospital with preterm labor--as expected from a triplet pregnancy--and I've been relayed message updates from a mutual friend. Every update seems to smack me with the relization that this girl has no idea that I've already been there and her want for me to send "cheery and upbeat messages" to the expecting mother is just not going to happen. I'm partly bitter partly distraut. I mean I got nothing when I was pregnant with the triplets. Friends didn't come visit, or call, or check to see if I was ok. My immediate family was there....that's all. I wasn't offered a shower--at work or from friends I've known for years. Even after all I've attended and done for their own. But now I'm asked to "send messages of hope" and "help keep her happy". I want to scream FUCK YOU! But then the guilt sets in as it always does...be the bigger person....help her out (even though my experience is doom and gloom) but they obviously don't remember that part...or any part...they're just looking out for themselves And well they should be, I guess I really need to just start doing that too.

I only ever get stepped on. I though I was a stronger person. One who was at least respected for being strong. But here I am again complaining to a computer screen and keyboard.

The next fantastic thing was I got wrapped up into the politics of GirlScouts. I thought I'd enjoy it, and I do. Its some work but that's expected. I really enjoy being there with my princess and working with the girls. I thought all was well until my co-leader (who asked me to do this with her in the first place) flipped out. Said I do too much and she doesn't think it's working out. She said she'll have no problem starting up a new troop. WTF???? Sounds like she has a plan already doesn't it? Oh I'm sorry....all's you do is complain about you're work and how busy you are and you're schedual isn't flexiable but I put the crafts together and I'm doing too much??? I can't take it. I just want to throw punches. So now do I just quit? THis way the troop is still together. Princess will be upset but she'll still be in her troop? Or do I let her take her daughter and leave? Leaving me with whatever girls don't follow her (she has a small posse and I'm not sure who else would go with her) and let the troop be broken up and be stuck with no help? REALLY>>>>FUCK YOU!

As for a shitty mother. I feel like all I do is yell. 6 and 3 constantly fight....1 just follows along and gets hurt or hurts the others!

So that's it. Haven't heard back from anyone today. Kids are still being yelled at. I don't like being an emotional tumbleweed.

Ballance

So I'm a stay at home Mom. I clean (ok stop laughing...) I cook, I do laundry, drive around to school drop offs pick ups and activities, Food shop, wipe noses, feed faces, wipe butts, do homework, projects, pay bills, garden, and get to watch pretty much every moment of my precious babies grow up. And this is why I feel guilty when I leave them to do anything for myself. They are only babies and need me for so long. I'm getting better at leaving them to go to the gym. Mostly cause I go at 9pm at night and they're sleeping. I guess I should feel bad my hubby is home--but oddly that doesn't make me feel guilty! lol

So this post is brought on by my joining a new gym. We were memebers...the whole family...to the local YMCA. It wasn't cheap but it was pretty packed with things; Daycare-pool-classes-gym-fitness. The problem was that I was the only one that would go. At night. So needless to say the classes were ususally done, I'm not into swimming, and the kids were home asleep so no point in daycare. For the kids to do anything there--besides be members--it was extra $.

I didn't go during the day cause I didn't want to put them in the daycare. THATS MY JOB. Maybe once in a while, but really. So needless to say we cancelled. I'm looking for a new gym. I've got a trial membership to one that is gym equipt. and that's it. No daycare, no classes. Which is basically what I've been doing all along. THEN theres another one that has classes, fitness and daycare. But I wont use it. I know I won't. So I shouldn't bother right?

Well regardless my post may have been prompted by joining a new gym but my thoughts still go on thinking about working moms, and I don't know how you do it honestly. You always hear the "I feel so much mommy guilt" from the WMs but then they have no problem going on vacation without their kids, or going to the gym to train for a marathon for hours.

Maybe when the kids are older---besides my husband forcing me out the door into the work force--I won't feel so bad about taking some Me time. Till then I'll have to take my hour when I can get it and maybe my MNO escapes every once and a while. Hmmmm speaking of....

bound to happen

Well it was bound to happen someday. Got the news today that friends of mine are expecting triplets. I knew she was pregnant but today we got the done up jpeg with the cute little peapods form TS3.

I suck. I mean really. Here's the problem. This particular couple I have known for years. We all worked together right out of college. They met at work....got married....and it's been a few years now so I was sort of speculating what was going on. Now having gone through the amount of infertility treatments I did, and the losses we endured---triplets--- you would think they might maybe reach out to me...or at least give me a little heads up....or maybe not send me the f'in cartoon announcement!!!!!!! Ok I know I'm not the center of anyone (other than my family) life...but COME ON!!! That's just rude.

When I responded to her Oh So Cute email I say congrats because I am really happy for them, but also because I've learned to just bite my tongue and cry in my pillow. So in response I write "Congrats I'm so happy for you guys. Please don't take my lack of contact in any way of not being happy for you, it just reminds me of our past situation" Best I could do. So her email back to me...."Thanks, I'm feeling great!" WTF?!!!! Still no acknowledgement? Whatever.

Unfortunately for me we have too many ties to just drop out of their radar. However they never seem to make an effort to come see me and I rarely see them. It will just be a bombardment of photos and cutsie comments from now till....forever. UGH.

As I keep reminding myself to protect my heart from the constant pain of that loss....I have three beautiful children. All miracles.....all healthy. I'll be repeteing this through the sniffles all day and with each comment I'll be getting smacked in the face with forever.

Strange

Well not to be morbid...but what is it about kids that make you (or at least me) think about your own mortality? I guess it's just the responsibility for all these little lives. I don't know, I mean I'm not a depressed person. I'm not stressed. I have seen and been hit with my share of heartache in the form of death. Most way too young, some who lived amazing long lives. But something about leaving my children with out their mother just causes this deep ache. "Will they remember me" "Will this screw up their lives forever" "Will people know that they like more peanut butter than jelly on their sandwiches?" "Does anyone know where the next size clothes are in the basement" Stupid questions. Sometimes I look through photos and see there are very few of me and the kids. I'm usually behind the camera. So I force the camera on my DH in hopes that there will be evidence that I was here. Not to be arrogant or selfish. But I just assume they need me!! My little monster hasn't been away from me for more than a few hours---in which i still felt tremendous guilt. My little man still is a big cuddle bug, and of course the princess...a girl needs her mom. No matter how much they butt heads!

I hate to scream at them, which of course does happen. Cause then I think, if something happens right now is that what my last words to them should have been? I know. Maybe I need some help?! But between Oprah and her horrible stories of people coming home from the mall and the family being killed in a crash and even the biggest loser and that woman's story of loss. How can you not be slapped in the face with that thought??? Just strange.

and 5 years have gone by...

Well it's been 5 years since we lost our little boy. He was just 37 days old. 

The entire day was probably one of the longest days of my life. We got a phone call at 9 am saying they needed permission to give him antibiotics...the Doctor called, not the nurse, she sounded concerned. We rushed right in. From there it's a blur. 

He was all distended, not moving, glazed eyes. It was horrible. Nurses and respiratory people, Doctors all around him. They called for a surgical consult to relieve the pressure building in his belly. They put him back on the osculating respirator--one he had come off of twice, one that people barely every come off. 

They cleared out the NICU, we sat in there watching the surgery to put the drain in our little 4lb baby boy. They said it would help, it did I guess, but next thing we know they called in CHOPs to helavac him out. Hoping they could save him and get him the heart surgery he needed. 

He was flown out. Our mothers came in to stay with our little princess. 

We drove out to Philly. We couldn't see him for an hour after we got there. We were afraid he was already gone.  The Doctor came in to talk to us before we were allowed finally in, she said he was septic, it wasn't good. They were trying to do what they could, and that there would come a point where they wouldn't be able to do any more. But they would keep him out of pain. 

We slowly walked into the tiny room. Packed with people running in new blood, monitoring his o2 levels, figuring out tiny doses of meds for his little body. And there he lay. Tinted a blue color no baby should be, almost the same as he was when he was born too soon. Air still being forced into his tiny body, every possible point stuck with needles and covered in gauze. 

The night went on....I don't even remember how may hours we were there. I never heard one firework go off even though we were in the middle of a huge city. 

He drifted off...they revived him with a shot of epi. More time passed. More pin pricks and tests and people we didnt know poking and prodding at our little boy. And there we nothing we could do, except stop it. 

His heart rate started to drop again, his o2 levels we no longer coming up. The dr ordered more epi...we stopped her. I couldn't let them. I just needed to hold him and let him go. They disconnected  his leads, pulled out the vent, wrapped him in a blanket, his swollen, purple 4lb body, and handed him to me to hold-for the first time. 

He took his only breath on his own in my arms, his last.

Though I can not look at them, we took a picture of me holding him. Then hubby took him and rocked for a bit. 

The dr came in and called his time of death. 11:50pm, July 4th, 2004. 

They took his foot imprint and gave it to us, along with his hat and blanket. 

Till this day it is the hardest day ever. I know that he lived so my princess could live too. Once she was in the clear, he knew it was time to go. I understand it, but I still feel so much pain from it.

I love you my little angel. I miss you so.

-mommy

A month

Well yesterday was Easter. The first holiday without my Dad. Not only that it has been a month since he passed away. It was hard. Knowing how much he liked to eat...and watch the kids get all hopped up on sugar! Not to mention it was a really nice day out, I could just see him out there wandering around the front yard chasing them around. Mom was having a hard time. Not to mention my Sister flew off to Florida last night and my Brother may as well be a snot nosed sob living in the house. Seriously...he's 21, no job, not going to school again, GET A FREAKING LIFE! Sorry...side track. So Mom took it hard. 

I  drove up there today, every time I drive up there I get emotional. Just knowing he won't be there...passing the exit for the hospital, then just watching him go right in front of me. That image just haunts me, everyday. Every time I think of a good memory...it end in his last breath. I'm glad I was there for him...but there's something to be said about seeing him as you want to remember him. 

Need less to say I miss him alot. I miss him just showing up at my door with a bag full of dollar store goodies for the monkeys. Sitting on the deck pulling in whatever sea air he could smell. Taking a ride down to the piers to see what was "biting". I miss his smell. Cigarettes and paint and coffee. I miss his mess. He always made a mess. The kitchen at my parents was never clean. Whatever meal he came up with to snack on was still on the stove in the pan. Of course alot of these memories were even a year before he passed. I don't so much remember him sick and weak...that was not him. I always loved his dirty paint and dirt covered hands. Ape like in size and in texture (i imagine). Tough...he could reach right into the oven and take out a pan. 

Anyway. Happy Easter Dad. I made a batch of deviled eggs for you!

dreaded entry

Well it is the entry I most dread. Much like the day I was much dreading. I'll likely write more but I felt I needed to add something into March.

My Father passed away just a little past midnight on March 12th. We were all with him. Which was good because no one should die alone. But it is an image I will never get rid of. Ever. 

We had his wake and funeral. There were an abundance of people and it felt so good to know so many people love and were touched by him. I just wish it didn't have to be this way. He was so strong and such a tough guy and just loved everyone. And he went out in a hospital, drugged up so he could feel no pain, because he was promised by his dr that he would never suffer. 

My Mom, My Brother and Sister, My Grandma, My Aunt, My Godfather (his best friend) and his Wife were all there with him when he left this earth. A day I dreaded. A day I cried over before it even happened. A day I'll never forget. 

I can't write more now. I'm crying again and it's hard to see the screen.

TTFN

Lost control

So I have no control of my day any longer.  The year started out well then it all went to the crapper. Lil Miss would go to school for 2.5 hours, the Gremlin would nap and I would mad clean! But no longer. Now I'm lucky if the dishes get done. Or maybe the floor is vacuumed. Only one thing a day lately. What happened??? I was doing so well. His naps have become harder to keep. I'm doomed if he out grows them. My motivation is gone. I've lost control!

Dreams do come true?

So I've been having the strangest dreams lately! From having a garage sale to get rid of all our stuff...I mean all...to flying a jet plane! I don't know if it's lack of sleep which gives me lack of time to make sense and random images just form a dream!!!! Or maybe my brain is actually broken!! Like it's glitching out! Skipping vital information! Then the alarm clock goes off...I mean the Gremlin is screaming... and the strange images stop. 

I've always had vivid dreams. I also had those recurring dreams...ever since I can actually remember. I know people always say they have a bit of the 6th sense in them, and I guess I'm one of them but I seem to know when something is wrong. I knew when my great uncle died, I knew when my sister was brought to the hospital, though they were all dreams with references to them and something that related to the situation. But the most vivid dream or flashes I had was of my son dying. And when it happened, it was right on spot. Down to the blanket. Yes...it was horrifying. 

But I digress...

So do dreams come true?? I hope not, I'm not a fan of flying!

History

Just a quick note to mention the amazing moment in history today. I've said I'm not a supporter of Obama's plan but for the historical aspect it was amazing. The ceremony, the people. Wow.

Just a note! Welcome, and congratulations President Obama. Please don't disappoint us!

reality...it's so close

I was going to make my first post of the year happy and cheery and full of resolutions I'd hope to keep. Alas I just don't have it in me today. I'm a disaster. The kids are fine, hubby's fine, I'm ok. 

I was talking with Mom, this usually sparks something, and she actually sounded scared for my Dad. She said he was in so much pain last night she just about brought him to the ER to get some IV meds. She said he was besides himself in pain, the drugs weren't working. She thought the hospital would at least be able to give him more. He sounded ok today. Mom said he was actually better, hungry, and moving around. I think it was one of the first times I've actually heard her scared...not just medically playing the role of he's sick. 

Then that weighs on my mind for the rest of the day. I think I should be asking him questions I don't know the answers too...getting his special BBQ sauce recipe....taking photos and recording his voice. Reality is scary. Really Really Scary.

I think of all of it I'm terrified of talking to my Daughter about it. She's going to be the one with all the questions I can't answer. Do I prep her...tell her he's sick. But then will she think that everyone who's sick will leave her? OH MY GOD. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. I think this is the worst thing. 

For me I've already lost a good part of my Dad this winter. Once he really got sick, wouldn't eat, lost weight, couldn't move around. It was just hard to see him the same. But my baby girl, still sees her Gramps, just with no hair. And though my lil Boy loves him, and goes right to him, he may look for him, but he just won't understand at all. 

I'm just, besides myself. 

I apologize for the sad new years greetings for those who do read. I can't constantly impale my poor husband with my emotions. He has his mother who is a case of her own to deal with. 

thanks all. The outlet is very much needed.

2008 Reflection

Wow. I'm sure I'm not alone in saying "Where the hell did 2008 go?"

I can recall moments through out the year but I really can't account for the 366 days that went by this year. I hope I'm not questioned where I was on March 3rd, because I won't know!!

This year has been alot of ups and downs for us as a family. 

*January started with the death of my Great Grandmother. She was 99. I can't say people were devastated, but we still lost the matriarch of our family, not one person could remember a day without her here. 

*Then came the big horrible news that started out and has been an everyday reminder for us. My Dad was diagnosed with advanced terminal lung cancer. A death sentence. He has gone though radiation, chemo, biopsies, more radiation, more chemo, more scans tests and what have you. He lost his hair...then his mustache, then about 40lbs. It took forever to get information out of my Mom. She is a nurse in a drs office so she really sees the medical side of things and instead of being a wife or mother she plays medical assistant. It's very obnoxious, but I think its the way she deals. I still get little bits of information passed along in random conversations. "Wow I have a sink full of dishes, oh and your Fathers cat scan showed something on his hip" WHAT? What cat scan??? 

*The year moved along. Hubbys Grandfather turned 92. He's amazing. He has really become my Grandpa too. He loves the kids, he delivers meals on wheels to people who can't get around like he does and he always has plans!

*Hubby turned 35. He didn't seem to care, but I know he kind of stuttered when his birthday came around!

*My baby boy turned 1. Talk about a year that just...wow. He's so happy. Such a good baby. Goes to anyone, eats well. DOES NOT SLEEP. But I think I'll take that over a cranky kid all day long. He's damn cute too!

*We traveled to Disney as a family. That was both hectic and awesome. My Daughter can't wait to go back. She's saving her money in her piggybank  to go!

*My baby girl turned 4. Again....amazing. I can instantly bring myself back to holding her for the first time at a tiny 2lbs. Feeding her through her ng tube.  Folding over preemie diapers to fit her little body. I still marvel at her.

*My MIL has been in and out of the hospital. Much like every year. This time we got a good month of her feeling well enough to go out of the house. Shes back in the hospital right now. She needs a new line put in to allow her tpn to feed her. My FIL has really been amazing. He's cranky and out of a job, but he's certainly been taking care of her 24-7

*My Cousin has been going though some infertility issues. It's not her system that is the problem but his. I think she's really jumped to the kidless depression quite quick. Though I guess 33 makes it come along quicker. My Mom keeps telling me that I should talk to her to support her and tell her what I went though. But I selfishly can't help but think who will then support me when she gets pregnant with triplets!! Mostly cause thats my kind of luck! I do want to be there for her. She came down to sit with me when I was on bedrest. She even rubbed my legs! I guess I should make a day for us alone.

*Politics still suck. I'm worried what the next years will bring. Money is tight and I certainly haven't been saving like I should. Hubby could lose his job with no notice and then what? Or house was re-assessed and well if the taxes go up anymore this may not be our residence for long. 

*And of course personally, I still battle myself with what goes on in my body. It took 3 years of treatments to have a pregnancy that I could hold onto. I was very happy with myself once my Daughter came home, I gave it a year and then I lost alot of weight. It took 2 years of "what happens happens" to become pregnant with my Son. Of course a year later and the weight came off...but it came back on too. Though that might have to do with the little over a year and "what happens happened!" but I didn't know untill I was in the mists of a loss. Yet again. I don't talk much about it...I've almost gone numb with it. I'm ok now. Just hoping when I convince the hubby that maybe one more for the road that he'll agree...and so will my uncooperative body!

WELL.. 2008 all in all a long year that went by in a flash. The year to come has many milestone birthdays as well as anniversary's and potential life changing losses. I may just go over all that I expect in another utterly long post!

3...2...1...

My reasons for hating "Jon and Kate"

I know it sounds silly. "Hate" what am I 5 years old? But everyone seems to be obsessed with this show, even my Mom!! I can't bring myself to watch the whole show. I know maybe if I did I'd enjoy it. But in all reality it's not the people in or on the show that I so called Hate. It's the premise. 

I went through a ton of infertility treatments. Ended up pregnant with triplets. And that was with a very conservative doctor. Three fertilized eggs were replaced yes, our final three actually, but only two took. One of which split into identical twins--not fully split--they shared their amniotic sac. After 4 months, surgery, loss of a baby, bed rest, constant tests, fear of total loss, then water breaking, hospital stay and finally a completely 13 week premature birth of the two babies then loss of my precious baby boy, I'm a bit bitter on the fact that they not only have twins...but now have 8 children. Or maybe more so that she was able to carry a pregnancy with 6 babies...I couldn't hold 3. I guess before that I couldn't even hold 1 so who's to complain right?

I guess bitter or jealous...I don't know. Everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame. 

Now oddly enough my neighbor went through a very similar situation as I did only she has her two boys and lost her baby girl. Completely the yin of my yang! Strange right? But she loves this show!! She claims she watches it because Kate abuses Jon. I don't know...I refuse to watch! Though we often talk about our "anger" with our losses. I guess everyone sees things differently. 

All I ask of my limited audience is take a moment to think of who you're talking to when words like "can you imagine having that many kids at once" comes flying out of your mouth! Cause some of us have imagined it...even if it blew up in our faces.

Is knowing worse?

Sometimes it takes the looming aura of death to really make you think about life. This year has really done that for me. My Father was diagnosed in January with Lung Cancer.  After the initial tears, of many and many later and many more to come, I really thought of how important family is to me. I thought of all the little things that he'll be missing. Walking my Sister down the isle, seeing my Brother graduate college, watching my babies grow up. 

I started to freak out actually. Trivial, Stupid things crossed my mind about my own mortality like "if i die today, hubby will never find the bag of kid clothes for winter in the basement." Then I'd cry. I started cleaning and organizing "just in case". I didn't want anyone to have to look or stress out cause I was a messy disaster.  I'm terrified my children will not have a mother. I guess it's deflecting? I'm not a therapist, I'm just pretending I know what my crazy reactions are!

The truth is, what is killing me about my Dad is that my Babies won't have him around. And as much as I like to think he's strong and stubborn and can fight this, it's terminal. This could just be his last thanksgiving, last christmas. He turns 60 in June. Will he make it? God I hope so. 

Is it worse to know what someone is going to miss, rather than them just missing it? 

I rock my Son to sleep everynight in his room, in the dark, and cry. Much like I am right now, so I guess this post is done. Just for the record, knowing IS worse.

an inspiration

Every so often something or someone comes along to remind you of something you wanted to do or be or just give a try. Today that happened. I went to a book party for a friend that illustrated a book. When I left all I could think about was "I would be able do that." And by no means is that a slap to her for actually doing it, it's not an easy task and she is very talented. 

I graduated college with a degree in Graphic Design. I minored in photography and sculpture. Of course you probably could never tell that by meeting me. Before we moved to our current house, an well before children, alot of my work was around the house. Framed photos, a painting, even some nude statues! When we moved, I didn't even unpack them. 

When I got home today and was looking at the book, I wanted to run upstairs and dust off the paint brushes, dig out the oils and just start SOMETHING! Of course, life interuptus--dinner was to be made, kids were to be tended and bedtime happened; and here I am at the computer again!

I forgot the passion I had for the arts. I do love it. I may not have purple hair or wear black or be your "typical" artist. But at heart I'm an artist. It's just been squished up in there by all the love I now have running around my house and technically I have created what is in photos in the frames on the wall!