Dr FeelGood.

I know you're all humming the Montly crew song...go ahead!!!

So everyone knows the whole friend with triplets saga....well here's another moral problem...my cousin has been going through tough times getting pregnant (no she's not having triplets..yet...) well my Mom yesterday told me one of her trials that "no one was supposed to know about" of course you know how well that stays in families!!! But anywho. So now on what was supposed to be a nice weekend at my Moms, hanging with my sister and brother and mom...was going to be an ambush of having breakfast with my cousin so I could be there for her and make her feel better. WHAT?! Ok. I love my cousin. Yes I know what it's like, I've been there. I also know that sometimes you don't want to talk about it. AND sometimes, MOM, the person who went through it doesn't want to talk about it either!!!! So needless to say I told the nosey nelly's that I would just call her on my own and see if she wants to talk..under her own obligation and not being tossed into "breakfast!"

So while I mentally mopped around, mostly for understanding my cousins struggles, I had to deal with psycho cookie leader. UGH. she really makes me feel just, bad. Thats it. I feel horrible around her, which is annoying cause I thought we got along. One of those things where you go back to your conversations and now wonder if she was rolling her eyes or sighing the whole time!!!

Needless to say I polished off a bottle of sparkling raspberry flavored wine last night and a hand...ok bag....of jelly beans. DR FEEL GOOD :)

2 years gone by now.

Well it's been two years since Dad passed away. I can't believe it's been two already. I really miss him. I miss his crazy ways. His inappropriate dirty jokes. His cooking--no matter what it was it smelled like butter and onions. His smell of coffee cigarettes and paint. His layers of flannel shirts that he wore as a jacket. His over stuffed velcro wallet that I'm pretty sure myself or one of my siblings bought him at that secret santa shop. How his eyes lit up when he saw his grandkids. His mustache that was turning "blond" though he knew it was grey. I even miss his stinky feet that would actually leave their Oder where ever they were resting! I miss calling him for stupid cooking questions. And him calling me just to "check in" and listen to the kids laugh or cry. The way that he make any day ok by going fishing.

My hubby took us all to the beach today. The ocean just makes me feel close to my Dad. The sounds the smell. I did ok till we were walking and saw an old man using the metal detector. It was at the same spot that you could really smell the cold salty ocean air.

He is the reason I love the beach and could never be far from one.

I miss you Pops. You really have left me with wonderful memories and so many things to cherish. Thank you.

Where did my Husband Go?

Family is a funny thing. We all know that. So since neither of our families are "around the corner" it's usually a day event for us to see them. I mean they're not states away or anything but an hour drive. So we're in the middle of planning a vacation, with my family. So my sister wanted to come down, her car needed to be put in the shop so I was going to meet her on the parkway. Of course this takes planning beyond my families ability so I just went up and got her, had lunch with Grandma--which makes her day--and drove home in time to get the Princess from school. All the while my DH was home "working" from home. Yea. Or shall we revisit the "sitting at the kitchen table in the middle of the house on his computer talking on the phone" from home. So I was happy to get out.

So my sister is here. My Mom is coming down too (SURPRISE). But she suddenly has dinner plans and won't be down till late. Awesome. Now to my sister, my DH may as well be her big brother. DH and I have been together since she was 9. So it's no biggie, he rags on her like any big brother would be expected to do.

Where is this going you ask....of course....so Sat AM after a long night with my Monster being a terror of not sleeping, I get to catch an extra hour as the other three adults tend to the kiddies. Which leave DH alone with then all! LOL. As soon as I'm awake. HEs GONE!

He went up to shower and then was gone for.....hours!! We watched a movie-Mega Mind which was really funny BTW--had lunch, played....still gone! I finally found him sitting in our bedroom watching the Yankee game!! I walked into him with a big grin on his face!

Hiding. Brat.

Vacation may be interesting...he better not disappear! Esp since my brother will be there too! Crap, I may need to put a tracker on him.

Ballance

So I'm a stay at home Mom. I clean (ok stop laughing...) I cook, I do laundry, drive around to school drop offs pick ups and activities, Food shop, wipe noses, feed faces, wipe butts, do homework, projects, pay bills, garden, and get to watch pretty much every moment of my precious babies grow up. And this is why I feel guilty when I leave them to do anything for myself. They are only babies and need me for so long. I'm getting better at leaving them to go to the gym. Mostly cause I go at 9pm at night and they're sleeping. I guess I should feel bad my hubby is home--but oddly that doesn't make me feel guilty! lol

So this post is brought on by my joining a new gym. We were memebers...the whole family...to the local YMCA. It wasn't cheap but it was pretty packed with things; Daycare-pool-classes-gym-fitness. The problem was that I was the only one that would go. At night. So needless to say the classes were ususally done, I'm not into swimming, and the kids were home asleep so no point in daycare. For the kids to do anything there--besides be members--it was extra $.

I didn't go during the day cause I didn't want to put them in the daycare. THATS MY JOB. Maybe once in a while, but really. So needless to say we cancelled. I'm looking for a new gym. I've got a trial membership to one that is gym equipt. and that's it. No daycare, no classes. Which is basically what I've been doing all along. THEN theres another one that has classes, fitness and daycare. But I wont use it. I know I won't. So I shouldn't bother right?

Well regardless my post may have been prompted by joining a new gym but my thoughts still go on thinking about working moms, and I don't know how you do it honestly. You always hear the "I feel so much mommy guilt" from the WMs but then they have no problem going on vacation without their kids, or going to the gym to train for a marathon for hours.

Maybe when the kids are older---besides my husband forcing me out the door into the work force--I won't feel so bad about taking some Me time. Till then I'll have to take my hour when I can get it and maybe my MNO escapes every once and a while. Hmmmm speaking of....

Holy Vomit Batman!!

Well well. Here I am again. So we got swindled into going up to celebrate my Father in laws birthday and of course my SIL and BIL too, since they are a week apart and god forbid we don't have 3 special cakes...sorry off subject, so we're there and my nephew comes in all clingy and un friendly attached to his Mother. He separates enough from her to say "I have to go to the bathroom" AND THEN IT STARTS! He's messed his pants, they get put in the washer...no biggie right. He's 4. It happens. Then it happens again, and again. So nahhh he's not sick. There's not 3 other kids there, a 94yr old and a woman who is a sort of science experiment that she's even alive. But bring on the gastro disaster.

My BIL and his boring finance then complain that they always get sick from my Nephew. (not like this will impede their participation in any family events, as I haven't seen her since I think Easter?)

So we all go home after being properly smoked.

We find out that the Nephew has started throwing up. Day later, BIL and boring are sick. Grandpa is sick. CRAP!!!!!!!

Down goes the little man, then the little monster then Daddy. One day clear of vomit, not of gastro issues but hey. Little Man comes home from school with hives, odd. We ask if the Nephew got hives too--nope. Down goes Mommy. Bring little man to dr and she sends us for blood work as hives look like some after effect gastro infection. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF me. One day clear. Down goes the princess. PLEASE LET US BE DONE!!!

So the little man still gets the hives. He's ok. Blood work fine for now. Just needs to be monitored for a bit.

SO, you tell me. Everyone else got the gastro part AFTER the vomit. Was the nephew sick before he showed up for the big birthday bash????? I think so. Not to mention the very defensive comments from my SIL on the subject!

Strange

Well not to be morbid...but what is it about kids that make you (or at least me) think about your own mortality? I guess it's just the responsibility for all these little lives. I don't know, I mean I'm not a depressed person. I'm not stressed. I have seen and been hit with my share of heartache in the form of death. Most way too young, some who lived amazing long lives. But something about leaving my children with out their mother just causes this deep ache. "Will they remember me" "Will this screw up their lives forever" "Will people know that they like more peanut butter than jelly on their sandwiches?" "Does anyone know where the next size clothes are in the basement" Stupid questions. Sometimes I look through photos and see there are very few of me and the kids. I'm usually behind the camera. So I force the camera on my DH in hopes that there will be evidence that I was here. Not to be arrogant or selfish. But I just assume they need me!! My little monster hasn't been away from me for more than a few hours---in which i still felt tremendous guilt. My little man still is a big cuddle bug, and of course the princess...a girl needs her mom. No matter how much they butt heads!

I hate to scream at them, which of course does happen. Cause then I think, if something happens right now is that what my last words to them should have been? I know. Maybe I need some help?! But between Oprah and her horrible stories of people coming home from the mall and the family being killed in a crash and even the biggest loser and that woman's story of loss. How can you not be slapped in the face with that thought??? Just strange.

BABY BOY!!!

It's a boy!!! 8lb12oz 21in long. Born right on his due date just like his brother~ This one's going to be a monster...he already looks huge. I'm gushing.

A month

Well yesterday was Easter. The first holiday without my Dad. Not only that it has been a month since he passed away. It was hard. Knowing how much he liked to eat...and watch the kids get all hopped up on sugar! Not to mention it was a really nice day out, I could just see him out there wandering around the front yard chasing them around. Mom was having a hard time. Not to mention my Sister flew off to Florida last night and my Brother may as well be a snot nosed sob living in the house. Seriously...he's 21, no job, not going to school again, GET A FREAKING LIFE! Sorry...side track. So Mom took it hard. 

I  drove up there today, every time I drive up there I get emotional. Just knowing he won't be there...passing the exit for the hospital, then just watching him go right in front of me. That image just haunts me, everyday. Every time I think of a good memory...it end in his last breath. I'm glad I was there for him...but there's something to be said about seeing him as you want to remember him. 

Need less to say I miss him alot. I miss him just showing up at my door with a bag full of dollar store goodies for the monkeys. Sitting on the deck pulling in whatever sea air he could smell. Taking a ride down to the piers to see what was "biting". I miss his smell. Cigarettes and paint and coffee. I miss his mess. He always made a mess. The kitchen at my parents was never clean. Whatever meal he came up with to snack on was still on the stove in the pan. Of course alot of these memories were even a year before he passed. I don't so much remember him sick and weak...that was not him. I always loved his dirty paint and dirt covered hands. Ape like in size and in texture (i imagine). Tough...he could reach right into the oven and take out a pan. 

Anyway. Happy Easter Dad. I made a batch of deviled eggs for you!

dreaded entry

Well it is the entry I most dread. Much like the day I was much dreading. I'll likely write more but I felt I needed to add something into March.

My Father passed away just a little past midnight on March 12th. We were all with him. Which was good because no one should die alone. But it is an image I will never get rid of. Ever. 

We had his wake and funeral. There were an abundance of people and it felt so good to know so many people love and were touched by him. I just wish it didn't have to be this way. He was so strong and such a tough guy and just loved everyone. And he went out in a hospital, drugged up so he could feel no pain, because he was promised by his dr that he would never suffer. 

My Mom, My Brother and Sister, My Grandma, My Aunt, My Godfather (his best friend) and his Wife were all there with him when he left this earth. A day I dreaded. A day I cried over before it even happened. A day I'll never forget. 

I can't write more now. I'm crying again and it's hard to see the screen.

TTFN

Man Baby

So the Hubby has not been feeling well for...oh about a week or so now. Maybe less...feels like more. What is it with Men that they can not deal with anything? Every little ache or sniffle I had to not only hear about it but try and figure out what it was!! At some point I said stop asking me I'm not a doctor!!! Not to mention if I'm sick before hand it's my fault and his is much worse! And if I'm sick after he had the same thing only worse! WTF! He's been in bed by 9 the past 3 nights...sleeping alone in OUR bed while I deal with the children that don't sleep and he just "can't deal " with anything else. So if I'm sick I was told it's my fault if I don't complain enough! I told him nobody listens or cares if I have a problem so I don't bother anymore! He just have me a look and a sniffle and laid down. MAN BABY!

Out of control

So I'm sort of in a crappy position. I probably have said it before but my family never had money. Never had it to be good or bad with...it was just all bad. So now with my father being sick, and though he may not have a salary coming in he has SS and a Vets payments. Regardless it's not alot...at all. My Mom works full time at a Drs office and she makes enough to live on...herself...not to mention  my siblings to care for and my Dad...medical bills, and all the normal household expenses. Sorry...I digress...

They are in serious need of help. I really want to just go in...collect all the bills...even the ones she doesn't admit too and help them organize them. Give them a fighting chance. But I don't want to be the bad guy. I don't want take away the money she thinks she has to go shopping which she shouldn't do anyway cause she doesn't have it to spend shopping!!!!! I know. I'm talking circles. But what do I do? I can't financially help out. But I don't want them to lose their home. I don't want them to go into bankruptcy AGAIN. Now what?? Do I just suck up the hate and help? Even if I give her the tools to do it herself I don't think she would. See her "drug" her "antidepressant" is shopping. UGH. It's just out of control.

Behind the Lens

So I have these frames that I seem to be collecting. I have recently been on a mission to fill and hang these around the house. I mean we've only lived here for 3+ years now. It would be nice to decorate right?!

So I have my Son in one frame, I have a great photo of my Daughter for the other and I thought to complete the collage of frames and photos I'd put a photo of my husband and I. OR NOT! I can't seem to find a photo of just us! I did find one of the four of us...and one or two of Hubby and I that my Daughter took, but they're a bit of an odd angle. So I search...back to 2004...nothing!!!!!! Ok I didn't check EVERY folder of photos...but most. And in my search of photos for the two of us...I found very very few of me! It's like I wasn't at Christmas or Thanksgiving or Birthday parties! It's like my Hubby is a single dad and this is a strange documentary of my families life?! So next event I'm handing off the camera. If the photos aren't up to what I want them to be too bad. At least it will be documented that I'm there!

100 years

So today would have been my Great Grandmothers 100th Birthday. She passed away in January. So today we'll have dinner with my Grandma, her daughter, my Great Aunt, her sister, and the rest of the 5 generations of us! We'll have some dinner, look through some pictures and hopefully have a nice day remembering 100 years that made Grandmas life wonderful.