Dr FeelGood.

I know you're all humming the Montly crew song...go ahead!!!

So everyone knows the whole friend with triplets saga....well here's another moral problem...my cousin has been going through tough times getting pregnant (no she's not having triplets..yet...) well my Mom yesterday told me one of her trials that "no one was supposed to know about" of course you know how well that stays in families!!! But anywho. So now on what was supposed to be a nice weekend at my Moms, hanging with my sister and brother and mom...was going to be an ambush of having breakfast with my cousin so I could be there for her and make her feel better. WHAT?! Ok. I love my cousin. Yes I know what it's like, I've been there. I also know that sometimes you don't want to talk about it. AND sometimes, MOM, the person who went through it doesn't want to talk about it either!!!! So needless to say I told the nosey nelly's that I would just call her on my own and see if she wants to talk..under her own obligation and not being tossed into "breakfast!"

So while I mentally mopped around, mostly for understanding my cousins struggles, I had to deal with psycho cookie leader. UGH. she really makes me feel just, bad. Thats it. I feel horrible around her, which is annoying cause I thought we got along. One of those things where you go back to your conversations and now wonder if she was rolling her eyes or sighing the whole time!!!

Needless to say I polished off a bottle of sparkling raspberry flavored wine last night and a hand...ok bag....of jelly beans. DR FEEL GOOD :)

2 years gone by now.

Well it's been two years since Dad passed away. I can't believe it's been two already. I really miss him. I miss his crazy ways. His inappropriate dirty jokes. His cooking--no matter what it was it smelled like butter and onions. His smell of coffee cigarettes and paint. His layers of flannel shirts that he wore as a jacket. His over stuffed velcro wallet that I'm pretty sure myself or one of my siblings bought him at that secret santa shop. How his eyes lit up when he saw his grandkids. His mustache that was turning "blond" though he knew it was grey. I even miss his stinky feet that would actually leave their Oder where ever they were resting! I miss calling him for stupid cooking questions. And him calling me just to "check in" and listen to the kids laugh or cry. The way that he make any day ok by going fishing.

My hubby took us all to the beach today. The ocean just makes me feel close to my Dad. The sounds the smell. I did ok till we were walking and saw an old man using the metal detector. It was at the same spot that you could really smell the cold salty ocean air.

He is the reason I love the beach and could never be far from one.

I miss you Pops. You really have left me with wonderful memories and so many things to cherish. Thank you.

sh*ty

Well apparently I'm a shitty friend, a shitty Mom, and all together shitty person.

Yea. I don't write this in plea of a bunch of reassuring "oh no you're not"s--if i were to get them!

But this week has been down right...well shitty!

Ive been going back and forth. Do I take my experience and use it to comfort someone which in return will probably send me down an emotional rollercoaster I just don't want to deal with...or do I just play spectator? Not only did I get the invitation to the triplet baby shower, my friend who's having triplets is now in the hospital with preterm labor--as expected from a triplet pregnancy--and I've been relayed message updates from a mutual friend. Every update seems to smack me with the relization that this girl has no idea that I've already been there and her want for me to send "cheery and upbeat messages" to the expecting mother is just not going to happen. I'm partly bitter partly distraut. I mean I got nothing when I was pregnant with the triplets. Friends didn't come visit, or call, or check to see if I was ok. My immediate family was there....that's all. I wasn't offered a shower--at work or from friends I've known for years. Even after all I've attended and done for their own. But now I'm asked to "send messages of hope" and "help keep her happy". I want to scream FUCK YOU! But then the guilt sets in as it always does...be the bigger person....help her out (even though my experience is doom and gloom) but they obviously don't remember that part...or any part...they're just looking out for themselves And well they should be, I guess I really need to just start doing that too.

I only ever get stepped on. I though I was a stronger person. One who was at least respected for being strong. But here I am again complaining to a computer screen and keyboard.

The next fantastic thing was I got wrapped up into the politics of GirlScouts. I thought I'd enjoy it, and I do. Its some work but that's expected. I really enjoy being there with my princess and working with the girls. I thought all was well until my co-leader (who asked me to do this with her in the first place) flipped out. Said I do too much and she doesn't think it's working out. She said she'll have no problem starting up a new troop. WTF???? Sounds like she has a plan already doesn't it? Oh I'm sorry....all's you do is complain about you're work and how busy you are and you're schedual isn't flexiable but I put the crafts together and I'm doing too much??? I can't take it. I just want to throw punches. So now do I just quit? THis way the troop is still together. Princess will be upset but she'll still be in her troop? Or do I let her take her daughter and leave? Leaving me with whatever girls don't follow her (she has a small posse and I'm not sure who else would go with her) and let the troop be broken up and be stuck with no help? REALLY>>>>FUCK YOU!

As for a shitty mother. I feel like all I do is yell. 6 and 3 constantly fight....1 just follows along and gets hurt or hurts the others!

So that's it. Haven't heard back from anyone today. Kids are still being yelled at. I don't like being an emotional tumbleweed.