Sunday, May 22, 2011

Did I pass?

Ok so here I am! Hello again! I've been really bad getting to the computer lately. I really don't know how people accomplish working from home. But whatever, I can never sit here without it being midnight or having someone on my lap. I've been slacking on here and on daily mile and well dare I say it...even face book! No one seems to miss me though so I"m not pressured....Yea that's the way I'm looking at it ok!!!
Anywho. I guess I passed the judgement day? I'm kinda shocked. I've been really selfish lately. Today was the viewing for one of the triplets. The one's I've ranted on about before...yea. I hadn't heard much since they were born in April. I didn't think too much of it as I didn't hear anything about the parents or the babies unless it was news that was passed along to me. But last week I hear the horrible news. One of the little boys contracted NEC and as it usually happens in preemies...couldn't fight it off. Horrible. Unspeakable. As much as I was upset at the way I was dealt into the situation, NEVER NEVER NEVER would I want anyone to have to feel this pain. I immediately contacted them and told them I was here and thinking of them.
But to go to the wake. Uh. I was shaking thinking of it....crying when mentally I was forcing my self to needing to go. But when it came down to it...I just couldn't. My second chance is the mass tomorrow, but I lock up a the thought of that little coffin. That is one of those images from Andrew I flash on and fall apart. So here I am...selfish. Not going for my own mental well being, though the guilt and need to please everyone creeps up. I'm going to send them something tomorrow. I can't see them taking offense to me not being there. I know I should have. I just couldn't do it. My baby girl will be 7 in less than a week. It's taken me 7 years to be able to talk about Andrew without my voice cracking. Their birthday is hard, the day he passed away is harder....watching the whole thing from a spectators point of view...ugh I'm pretty sure would just throw me back into mush.
Anyway. I'm here. Pretty shattered realizing I'm not as strong as I want to be for my friends. Please think of little Travis in you're prayers. And for his parents. Though they have two babies in the hospital to distract them now....this horrible pain and loss will always be there, waiting to get them when they think they feel content and happy.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Self Control

Well I've been struggling with self control lately. Today though I need extra strength. I'm headed over to girlscouts today and feel as if I'm going to be spied on. Seriously. This has become a mix of paranoia and pissed off-ed-ness. I'll pop in more unwanted details later but for now lets just say...I'll be running the meeting on my own tonight and the other leaders daughter wasn't coming and now suddenly she is.....I offered to give her a lift there since her mother can't be there and was told no she wasn't suddenly a different mom is bringing her. Hmmm. Nice right. I"m so mad right now. All the kids slept last night and I was tossing and turning over this f-in meeting. AHHHHH. So angry. More to come.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Dr FeelGood.

I know you're all humming the Montly crew song...go ahead!!!
So everyone knows the whole friend with triplets saga....well here's another moral cousin has been going through tough times getting pregnant (no she's not having triplets..yet...) well my Mom yesterday told me one of her trials that "no one was supposed to know about" of course you know how well that stays in families!!! But anywho. So now on what was supposed to be a nice weekend at my Moms, hanging with my sister and brother and mom...was going to be an ambush of having breakfast with my cousin so I could be there for her and make her feel better. WHAT?! Ok. I love my cousin. Yes I know what it's like, I've been there. I also know that sometimes you don't want to talk about it. AND sometimes, MOM, the person who went through it doesn't want to talk about it either!!!! So needless to say I told the nosey nelly's that I would just call her on my own and see if she wants to talk..under her own obligation and not being tossed into "breakfast!"
So while I mentally mopped around, mostly for understanding my cousins struggles, I had to deal with psycho cookie leader. UGH. she really makes me feel just, bad. Thats it. I feel horrible around her, which is annoying cause I thought we got along. One of those things where you go back to your conversations and now wonder if she was rolling her eyes or sighing the whole time!!!
Needless to say I polished off a bottle of sparkling raspberry flavored wine last night and a hand...ok bag....of jelly beans. DR FEEL GOOD :)

Saturday, March 12, 2011

2 years gone by now.

Well it's been two years since Dad passed away. I can't believe it's been two already. I really miss him. I miss his crazy ways. His inappropriate dirty jokes. His cooking--no matter what it was it smelled like butter and onions. His smell of coffee cigarettes and paint. His layers of flannel shirts that he wore as a jacket. His over stuffed velcro wallet that I'm pretty sure myself or one of my siblings bought him at that secret santa shop. How his eyes lit up when he saw his grandkids. His mustache that was turning "blond" though he knew it was grey. I even miss his stinky feet that would actually leave their Oder where ever they were resting! I miss calling him for stupid cooking questions. And him calling me just to "check in" and listen to the kids laugh or cry. The way that he make any day ok by going fishing.
My hubby took us all to the beach today. The ocean just makes me feel close to my Dad. The sounds the smell. I did ok till we were walking and saw an old man using the metal detector. It was at the same spot that you could really smell the cold salty ocean air.
He is the reason I love the beach and could never be far from one.
I miss you Pops. You really have left me with wonderful memories and so many things to cherish. Thank you.

Monday, March 7, 2011


Well apparently I'm a shitty friend, a shitty Mom, and all together shitty person.
Yea. I don't write this in plea of a bunch of reassuring "oh no you're not"s--if i were to get them!
But this week has been down right...well shitty!
Ive been going back and forth. Do I take my experience and use it to comfort someone which in return will probably send me down an emotional rollercoaster I just don't want to deal with...or do I just play spectator? Not only did I get the invitation to the triplet baby shower, my friend who's having triplets is now in the hospital with preterm labor--as expected from a triplet pregnancy--and I've been relayed message updates from a mutual friend. Every update seems to smack me with the relization that this girl has no idea that I've already been there and her want for me to send "cheery and upbeat messages" to the expecting mother is just not going to happen. I'm partly bitter partly distraut. I mean I got nothing when I was pregnant with the triplets. Friends didn't come visit, or call, or check to see if I was ok. My immediate family was there....that's all. I wasn't offered a shower--at work or from friends I've known for years. Even after all I've attended and done for their own. But now I'm asked to "send messages of hope" and "help keep her happy". I want to scream FUCK YOU! But then the guilt sets in as it always the bigger her out (even though my experience is doom and gloom) but they obviously don't remember that part...or any part...they're just looking out for themselves And well they should be, I guess I really need to just start doing that too.
I only ever get stepped on. I though I was a stronger person. One who was at least respected for being strong. But here I am again complaining to a computer screen and keyboard.
The next fantastic thing was I got wrapped up into the politics of GirlScouts. I thought I'd enjoy it, and I do. Its some work but that's expected. I really enjoy being there with my princess and working with the girls. I thought all was well until my co-leader (who asked me to do this with her in the first place) flipped out. Said I do too much and she doesn't think it's working out. She said she'll have no problem starting up a new troop. WTF???? Sounds like she has a plan already doesn't it? Oh I'm sorry....all's you do is complain about you're work and how busy you are and you're schedual isn't flexiable but I put the crafts together and I'm doing too much??? I can't take it. I just want to throw punches. So now do I just quit? THis way the troop is still together. Princess will be upset but she'll still be in her troop? Or do I let her take her daughter and leave? Leaving me with whatever girls don't follow her (she has a small posse and I'm not sure who else would go with her) and let the troop be broken up and be stuck with no help? REALLY>>>>FUCK YOU!
As for a shitty mother. I feel like all I do is yell. 6 and 3 constantly fight....1 just follows along and gets hurt or hurts the others!

So that's it. Haven't heard back from anyone today. Kids are still being yelled at. I don't like being an emotional tumbleweed.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Where did my Husband Go?

Family is a funny thing. We all know that. So since neither of our families are "around the corner" it's usually a day event for us to see them. I mean they're not states away or anything but an hour drive. So we're in the middle of planning a vacation, with my family. So my sister wanted to come down, her car needed to be put in the shop so I was going to meet her on the parkway. Of course this takes planning beyond my families ability so I just went up and got her, had lunch with Grandma--which makes her day--and drove home in time to get the Princess from school. All the while my DH was home "working" from home. Yea. Or shall we revisit the "sitting at the kitchen table in the middle of the house on his computer talking on the phone" from home. So I was happy to get out.
So my sister is here. My Mom is coming down too (SURPRISE). But she suddenly has dinner plans and won't be down till late. Awesome. Now to my sister, my DH may as well be her big brother. DH and I have been together since she was 9. So it's no biggie, he rags on her like any big brother would be expected to do.
Where is this going you ask....of Sat AM after a long night with my Monster being a terror of not sleeping, I get to catch an extra hour as the other three adults tend to the kiddies. Which leave DH alone with then all! LOL. As soon as I'm awake. HEs GONE!
He went up to shower and then was gone for.....hours!! We watched a movie-Mega Mind which was really funny BTW--had lunch, played....still gone! I finally found him sitting in our bedroom watching the Yankee game!! I walked into him with a big grin on his face!
Hiding. Brat.
Vacation may be interesting...he better not disappear! Esp since my brother will be there too! Crap, I may need to put a tracker on him.

Thursday, February 24, 2011


So I'm a stay at home Mom. I clean (ok stop laughing...) I cook, I do laundry, drive around to school drop offs pick ups and activities, Food shop, wipe noses, feed faces, wipe butts, do homework, projects, pay bills, garden, and get to watch pretty much every moment of my precious babies grow up. And this is why I feel guilty when I leave them to do anything for myself. They are only babies and need me for so long. I'm getting better at leaving them to go to the gym. Mostly cause I go at 9pm at night and they're sleeping. I guess I should feel bad my hubby is home--but oddly that doesn't make me feel guilty! lol
So this post is brought on by my joining a new gym. We were memebers...the whole the local YMCA. It wasn't cheap but it was pretty packed with things; Daycare-pool-classes-gym-fitness. The problem was that I was the only one that would go. At night. So needless to say the classes were ususally done, I'm not into swimming, and the kids were home asleep so no point in daycare. For the kids to do anything there--besides be members--it was extra $.
I didn't go during the day cause I didn't want to put them in the daycare. THATS MY JOB. Maybe once in a while, but really. So needless to say we cancelled. I'm looking for a new gym. I've got a trial membership to one that is gym equipt. and that's it. No daycare, no classes. Which is basically what I've been doing all along. THEN theres another one that has classes, fitness and daycare. But I wont use it. I know I won't. So I shouldn't bother right?
Well regardless my post may have been prompted by joining a new gym but my thoughts still go on thinking about working moms, and I don't know how you do it honestly. You always hear the "I feel so much mommy guilt" from the WMs but then they have no problem going on vacation without their kids, or going to the gym to train for a marathon for hours.
Maybe when the kids are older---besides my husband forcing me out the door into the work force--I won't feel so bad about taking some Me time. Till then I'll have to take my hour when I can get it and maybe my MNO escapes every once and a while. Hmmmm speaking of....

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Holy Vomit Batman!!

Well well. Here I am again. So we got swindled into going up to celebrate my Father in laws birthday and of course my SIL and BIL too, since they are a week apart and god forbid we don't have 3 special cakes...sorry off subject, so we're there and my nephew comes in all clingy and un friendly attached to his Mother. He separates enough from her to say "I have to go to the bathroom" AND THEN IT STARTS! He's messed his pants, they get put in the biggie right. He's 4. It happens. Then it happens again, and again. So nahhh he's not sick. There's not 3 other kids there, a 94yr old and a woman who is a sort of science experiment that she's even alive. But bring on the gastro disaster.
My BIL and his boring finance then complain that they always get sick from my Nephew. (not like this will impede their participation in any family events, as I haven't seen her since I think Easter?)
So we all go home after being properly smoked.
We find out that the Nephew has started throwing up. Day later, BIL and boring are sick. Grandpa is sick. CRAP!!!!!!!
Down goes the little man, then the little monster then Daddy. One day clear of vomit, not of gastro issues but hey. Little Man comes home from school with hives, odd. We ask if the Nephew got hives too--nope. Down goes Mommy. Bring little man to dr and she sends us for blood work as hives look like some after effect gastro infection. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF me. One day clear. Down goes the princess. PLEASE LET US BE DONE!!!
So the little man still gets the hives. He's ok. Blood work fine for now. Just needs to be monitored for a bit.
SO, you tell me. Everyone else got the gastro part AFTER the vomit. Was the nephew sick before he showed up for the big birthday bash????? I think so. Not to mention the very defensive comments from my SIL on the subject!

Monday, January 24, 2011

bound to happen

Well it was bound to happen someday. Got the news today that friends of mine are expecting triplets. I knew she was pregnant but today we got the done up jpeg with the cute little peapods form TS3.
I suck. I mean really. Here's the problem. This particular couple I have known for years. We all worked together right out of college. They met at married....and it's been a few years now so I was sort of speculating what was going on. Now having gone through the amount of infertility treatments I did, and the losses we endured---triplets--- you would think they might maybe reach out to me...or at least give me a little heads up....or maybe not send me the f'in cartoon announcement!!!!!!! Ok I know I'm not the center of anyone (other than my family) life...but COME ON!!! That's just rude.
When I responded to her Oh So Cute email I say congrats because I am really happy for them, but also because I've learned to just bite my tongue and cry in my pillow. So in response I write "Congrats I'm so happy for you guys. Please don't take my lack of contact in any way of not being happy for you, it just reminds me of our past situation" Best I could do. So her email back to me...."Thanks, I'm feeling great!" WTF?!!!! Still no acknowledgement? Whatever.
Unfortunately for me we have too many ties to just drop out of their radar. However they never seem to make an effort to come see me and I rarely see them. It will just be a bombardment of photos and cutsie comments from now till....forever. UGH.
As I keep reminding myself to protect my heart from the constant pain of that loss....I have three beautiful children. All miracles.....all healthy. I'll be repeteing this through the sniffles all day and with each comment I'll be getting smacked in the face with forever.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I've been working on the railroad....

all the live long day...
Ok maybe not the actual railroad but I've had that song stuck in my head for some reason! It's a fun song, except for when you have to sing "Dinah won't you blow" lol. Gotta laugh at that!
Anywho, I've been cleaning some old stuff out lately, a little on my need to get organized. I'm having a hard time getting rid of baby stuff. The little monster has out out grown alot of clothes, and though the toys left from the other two are his age range he doesn't play with them when he can just try to grab what his older siblings are playing with! So what do you do with it all?? I won't throw it in the garbage, I hate dealing with freecycle and craigslist. I seem to always get the wackos who say yes, plan a pick up then say, nah give it to someone else! UGH. So I keep calling for charity pick ups, which is hard but at least in my mind they're going to a "good home". I hope.
It must be the hoarder in me :)
My DH likes to call me that, and it scares me!! Have you seen that scary show?? God help me if that happens! Yikkes.

Monday, January 17, 2011


Well not to be morbid...but what is it about kids that make you (or at least me) think about your own mortality? I guess it's just the responsibility for all these little lives. I don't know, I mean I'm not a depressed person. I'm not stressed. I have seen and been hit with my share of heartache in the form of death. Most way too young, some who lived amazing long lives. But something about leaving my children with out their mother just causes this deep ache. "Will they remember me" "Will this screw up their lives forever" "Will people know that they like more peanut butter than jelly on their sandwiches?" "Does anyone know where the next size clothes are in the basement" Stupid questions. Sometimes I look through photos and see there are very few of me and the kids. I'm usually behind the camera. So I force the camera on my DH in hopes that there will be evidence that I was here. Not to be arrogant or selfish. But I just assume they need me!! My little monster hasn't been away from me for more than a few hours---in which i still felt tremendous guilt. My little man still is a big cuddle bug, and of course the princess...a girl needs her mom. No matter how much they butt heads!
I hate to scream at them, which of course does happen. Cause then I think, if something happens right now is that what my last words to them should have been? I know. Maybe I need some help?! But between Oprah and her horrible stories of people coming home from the mall and the family being killed in a crash and even the biggest loser and that woman's story of loss. How can you not be slapped in the face with that thought??? Just strange.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Moving right along!

Hello again.
Look at me go...two in a row! Sorry, I couldn't resist!
I was full of energy today--or full of pepsi max! Whatever it let me get a good amount accomplished anyway. I got the laundry AWAY which is big, I had all the Daisy GirlScout meeting stuff ready to roll out the door with me, dinner in the crock pot by noon, dishes done! Go me! Productive and yet not stressful day!
Now as long as this snow doesn't hit we'll be able to have our family xmas/new year party on Saturday and the hubby won't be all annoyed that it was cancelled. Schools up north are already closing the doors for tomorrow WTH??? With all the suv's and 4x4's out there why are there more snow days? Whatever. The town did a crappy job plowing THAT RIGHT I SAID IT TOWN!!! When I had to shovel 5 extra feet into the street to be able to reach open road that 's a problem. Oh and it's what a week, wait more, later and the street to the schools are still only one lane! Don't mind my 10k in taxes...I'm sure it's doing something else for the town right?!
Sorry, I digress...
So what am I going to do with all these new found toys and gizmo's?? Little Miss is at the age when all her new things are too small to be left around for the Monster that will eat them. I know get rid of some stuff. I agree, but easier said then done.
Till next time!

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Well it's here...time to make some promises like the suits!
No really. I've been thinking about it, I am usually good for the ol'standby of Lose Weight, Be know typical things.
This Year, hmmmm. I don't know. I mean last year was relatively quiet. Not in my house I mean. And well you would be able to tell if I didn't sneak off and write my life away somewhere else...which I deleted before I even thought to just stick the link here (!!!!) But I mean, no births...., no deaths...., no tragic things. I'm very great full.
Last year I actually accomplished something for myself. Something I never thought I'd do, something I actually despised!!!!
I ran~ and ran alot~
I started in September with a class for Moms. The end goal was a 5mile run (it had a cause, not one I was overly interested in but hey...if I'm paying it might as well go to someone!). Before the class started but AFTER I paid up all's I could think of was WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? Really, you're not a runner. Nope. Never. Basketball-yup, Volleyball-hell yea, Softball-sure, RUN--NOPE! hahaah. So I trucked on. Trained during the week and gave it my all each and every weekend. BAM 5 Miles!! 52minutes. I was really just so proud of myself. I hopped on a few 5k's after that.
So this year, I'm just not sure what's in store! I'm on the get you're butt organized kick but we'll see. I'm not promising anything! As for a "resolution" I'd just like to relax and enjoy my babies while they're still enjoying me.
Happy New Year!