Sunday, May 22, 2011

Did I pass?

Ok so here I am! Hello again! I've been really bad getting to the computer lately. I really don't know how people accomplish working from home. But whatever, I can never sit here without it being midnight or having someone on my lap. I've been slacking on here and on daily mile and well dare I say it...even face book! No one seems to miss me though so I"m not pressured....Yea that's the way I'm looking at it ok!!!
Anywho. I guess I passed the judgement day? I'm kinda shocked. I've been really selfish lately. Today was the viewing for one of the triplets. The one's I've ranted on about before...yea. I hadn't heard much since they were born in April. I didn't think too much of it as I didn't hear anything about the parents or the babies unless it was news that was passed along to me. But last week I hear the horrible news. One of the little boys contracted NEC and as it usually happens in preemies...couldn't fight it off. Horrible. Unspeakable. As much as I was upset at the way I was dealt into the situation, NEVER NEVER NEVER would I want anyone to have to feel this pain. I immediately contacted them and told them I was here and thinking of them.
But to go to the wake. Uh. I was shaking thinking of it....crying when mentally I was forcing my self to needing to go. But when it came down to it...I just couldn't. My second chance is the mass tomorrow, but I lock up a the thought of that little coffin. That is one of those images from Andrew I flash on and fall apart. So here I am...selfish. Not going for my own mental well being, though the guilt and need to please everyone creeps up. I'm going to send them something tomorrow. I can't see them taking offense to me not being there. I know I should have. I just couldn't do it. My baby girl will be 7 in less than a week. It's taken me 7 years to be able to talk about Andrew without my voice cracking. Their birthday is hard, the day he passed away is harder....watching the whole thing from a spectators point of view...ugh I'm pretty sure would just throw me back into mush.
Anyway. I'm here. Pretty shattered realizing I'm not as strong as I want to be for my friends. Please think of little Travis in you're prayers. And for his parents. Though they have two babies in the hospital to distract them now....this horrible pain and loss will always be there, waiting to get them when they think they feel content and happy.

1 comment:

MicheleLPearce said...

Oh Kellie, how awful. Don't you dare feel selfish -- in moments such as these you have to switch into self preservation mode. You didn't do anything wrong -- if the parents are your friends they will surely understand. Look upon this as an opportunity to share your strength as proof that you can survive tragedy one step at at time.