Did I pass?

Ok so here I am! Hello again! I've been really bad getting to the computer lately. I really don't know how people accomplish working from home. But whatever, I can never sit here without it being midnight or having someone on my lap. I've been slacking on here and on daily mile and well dare I say it...even face book! No one seems to miss me though so I"m not pressured....Yea that's the way I'm looking at it ok!!!

Anywho. I guess I passed the judgement day? I'm kinda shocked. I've been really selfish lately. Today was the viewing for one of the triplets. The one's I've ranted on about before...yea. I hadn't heard much since they were born in April. I didn't think too much of it as I didn't hear anything about the parents or the babies unless it was news that was passed along to me. But last week I hear the horrible news. One of the little boys contracted NEC and as it usually happens in preemies...couldn't fight it off. Horrible. Unspeakable. As much as I was upset at the way I was dealt into the situation, NEVER NEVER NEVER would I want anyone to have to feel this pain. I immediately contacted them and told them I was here and thinking of them.

But to go to the wake. Uh. I was shaking thinking of it....crying when mentally I was forcing my self to needing to go. But when it came down to it...I just couldn't. My second chance is the mass tomorrow, but I lock up a the thought of that little coffin. That is one of those images from Andrew I flash on and fall apart. So here I am...selfish. Not going for my own mental well being, though the guilt and need to please everyone creeps up. I'm going to send them something tomorrow. I can't see them taking offense to me not being there. I know I should have. I just couldn't do it. My baby girl will be 7 in less than a week. It's taken me 7 years to be able to talk about Andrew without my voice cracking. Their birthday is hard, the day he passed away is harder....watching the whole thing from a spectators point of view...ugh I'm pretty sure would just throw me back into mush.

Anyway. I'm here. Pretty shattered realizing I'm not as strong as I want to be for my friends. Please think of little Travis in you're prayers. And for his parents. Though they have two babies in the hospital to distract them now....this horrible pain and loss will always be there, waiting to get them when they think they feel content and happy.

Self Control

Well I've been struggling with self control lately. Today though I need extra strength. I'm headed over to girlscouts today and feel as if I'm going to be spied on. Seriously. This has become a mix of paranoia and pissed off-ed-ness. I'll pop in more unwanted details later but for now lets just say...I'll be running the meeting on my own tonight and the other leaders daughter wasn't coming and now suddenly she is.....I offered to give her a lift there since her mother can't be there and was told no she wasn't going...now suddenly a different mom is bringing her. Hmmm. Nice right. I"m so mad right now. All the kids slept last night and I was tossing and turning over this f-in meeting. AHHHHH. So angry. More to come.

Dr FeelGood.

I know you're all humming the Montly crew song...go ahead!!!

So everyone knows the whole friend with triplets saga....well here's another moral problem...my cousin has been going through tough times getting pregnant (no she's not having triplets..yet...) well my Mom yesterday told me one of her trials that "no one was supposed to know about" of course you know how well that stays in families!!! But anywho. So now on what was supposed to be a nice weekend at my Moms, hanging with my sister and brother and mom...was going to be an ambush of having breakfast with my cousin so I could be there for her and make her feel better. WHAT?! Ok. I love my cousin. Yes I know what it's like, I've been there. I also know that sometimes you don't want to talk about it. AND sometimes, MOM, the person who went through it doesn't want to talk about it either!!!! So needless to say I told the nosey nelly's that I would just call her on my own and see if she wants to talk..under her own obligation and not being tossed into "breakfast!"

So while I mentally mopped around, mostly for understanding my cousins struggles, I had to deal with psycho cookie leader. UGH. she really makes me feel just, bad. Thats it. I feel horrible around her, which is annoying cause I thought we got along. One of those things where you go back to your conversations and now wonder if she was rolling her eyes or sighing the whole time!!!

Needless to say I polished off a bottle of sparkling raspberry flavored wine last night and a hand...ok bag....of jelly beans. DR FEEL GOOD :)