Saturday, January 3, 2009

reality...it's so close

I was going to make my first post of the year happy and cheery and full of resolutions I'd hope to keep. Alas I just don't have it in me today. I'm a disaster. The kids are fine, hubby's fine, I'm ok
I was talking with Mom, this usually sparks something, and she actually sounded scared for my Dad. She said he was in so much pain last night she just about brought him to the ER to get some IV meds. She said he was besides himself in pain, the drugs weren't working. She thought the hospital would at least be able to give him more. He sounded ok today. Mom said he was actually better, hungry, and moving around. I think it was one of the first times I've actually heard her scared...not just medically playing the role of he's sick. 
Then that weighs on my mind for the rest of the day. I think I should be asking him questions I don't know the answers too...getting his special BBQ sauce recipe....taking photos and recording his voice. Reality is scary. Really Really Scary.
I think of all of it I'm terrified of talking to my Daughter about it. She's going to be the one with all the questions I can't answer. Do I prep her...tell her he's sick. But then will she think that everyone who's sick will leave her? OH MY GOD. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. I think this is the worst thing. 
For me I've already lost a good part of my Dad this winter. Once he really got sick, wouldn't eat, lost weight, couldn't move around. It was just hard to see him the same. But my baby girl, still sees her Gramps, just with no hair. And though my lil Boy loves him, and goes right to him, he may look for him, but he just won't understand at all. 
I'm just, besides myself. 
I apologize for the sad new years greetings for those who do read. I can't constantly impale my poor husband with my emotions. He has his mother who is a case of her own to deal with. 
thanks all. The outlet is very much needed.

2 comments:

beach mama said...

you know i am always here for you. call anytime, even just to cry. i will just listen as you let it out.
i know the underlining feeling of the mortality. i still have 3 living grandparents that my boys love and they won't be around forever.
i wish i had the answer on how to tell her. the worst thing we've had over here was my granparents dog over a year ago and he still asks for her. ironically she had cancer too. I didn't use that word to him, just that she was sick and old and that her body stopped working and she went to heaven. End of story. I figured if I used 'cancer' he'd think everyone who got it would die. As you know my MIL had cancer and is totally in remission *knock wood*. I didn't want him to think she was going like the dog did if he ever overheard anyone say grandma had cancer.
huge ((((hugs)))) to you...and seriously call or come down and visit ANYTIME!!!!! Love you!

Peggy Sue said...

I know. Thank you :)
Much like Dad.. I have my good and bad days too. Thankfully these past couple of days he's been better.
I do know you're there and that means alot to me
thank you