Monday, January 17, 2011


Well not to be morbid...but what is it about kids that make you (or at least me) think about your own mortality? I guess it's just the responsibility for all these little lives. I don't know, I mean I'm not a depressed person. I'm not stressed. I have seen and been hit with my share of heartache in the form of death. Most way too young, some who lived amazing long lives. But something about leaving my children with out their mother just causes this deep ache. "Will they remember me" "Will this screw up their lives forever" "Will people know that they like more peanut butter than jelly on their sandwiches?" "Does anyone know where the next size clothes are in the basement" Stupid questions. Sometimes I look through photos and see there are very few of me and the kids. I'm usually behind the camera. So I force the camera on my DH in hopes that there will be evidence that I was here. Not to be arrogant or selfish. But I just assume they need me!! My little monster hasn't been away from me for more than a few hours---in which i still felt tremendous guilt. My little man still is a big cuddle bug, and of course the princess...a girl needs her mom. No matter how much they butt heads!
I hate to scream at them, which of course does happen. Cause then I think, if something happens right now is that what my last words to them should have been? I know. Maybe I need some help?! But between Oprah and her horrible stories of people coming home from the mall and the family being killed in a crash and even the biggest loser and that woman's story of loss. How can you not be slapped in the face with that thought??? Just strange.

1 comment:

Donna said...

I think about this all the time - and I KNOW I am needed and they will all be lost without me - I don't think it's selfish or arrogant to think that way. It's the truth. Everything would go straight to hell if something happened to me!! LOL. But seriously...maybe this will push us to be more organized and on top of things - so if someone else had to take over (even if it's just a day or two when we are down with the flu or something) the kids will still get their PB&J just they way they like it. :)