Winning!

Has that been copyrighted yet? Well I'm borrowing it Charlie.

So this is my second post in a month!! That's why I win. I win over last year! Ok I know you're all screaming Loser! But a big pvvvvttttt to you!

It's lent now and though I'm supposed to "give something up" most people use it as a diet==no more chocolate, soda, blah blah blah. I've decided to try to be less "screamy" at my kids. They don't deserve it. And it's not that I'm a loon with them but my patients is lets just say, short-lacking-small--NON EXISTENT! I'm going to "give up" being short tempered with them. Give them a chance to be kids. Be silly. Make me laugh. Not understand what I'm saying when their 2, 4, and 7 years old. Let them sneak a cookie. Watch an extra show. Sit on top of me. Spill juice.

Sometimes you just forget they're kids. And when you do remember....they're not kids anymore.

Anywho.

Strange

Well not to be morbid...but what is it about kids that make you (or at least me) think about your own mortality? I guess it's just the responsibility for all these little lives. I don't know, I mean I'm not a depressed person. I'm not stressed. I have seen and been hit with my share of heartache in the form of death. Most way too young, some who lived amazing long lives. But something about leaving my children with out their mother just causes this deep ache. "Will they remember me" "Will this screw up their lives forever" "Will people know that they like more peanut butter than jelly on their sandwiches?" "Does anyone know where the next size clothes are in the basement" Stupid questions. Sometimes I look through photos and see there are very few of me and the kids. I'm usually behind the camera. So I force the camera on my DH in hopes that there will be evidence that I was here. Not to be arrogant or selfish. But I just assume they need me!! My little monster hasn't been away from me for more than a few hours---in which i still felt tremendous guilt. My little man still is a big cuddle bug, and of course the princess...a girl needs her mom. No matter how much they butt heads!

I hate to scream at them, which of course does happen. Cause then I think, if something happens right now is that what my last words to them should have been? I know. Maybe I need some help?! But between Oprah and her horrible stories of people coming home from the mall and the family being killed in a crash and even the biggest loser and that woman's story of loss. How can you not be slapped in the face with that thought??? Just strange.

BABY BOY!!!

It's a boy!!! 8lb12oz 21in long. Born right on his due date just like his brother~ This one's going to be a monster...he already looks huge. I'm gushing.

and 5 years have gone by...

Well it's been 5 years since we lost our little boy. He was just 37 days old. 

The entire day was probably one of the longest days of my life. We got a phone call at 9 am saying they needed permission to give him antibiotics...the Doctor called, not the nurse, she sounded concerned. We rushed right in. From there it's a blur. 

He was all distended, not moving, glazed eyes. It was horrible. Nurses and respiratory people, Doctors all around him. They called for a surgical consult to relieve the pressure building in his belly. They put him back on the osculating respirator--one he had come off of twice, one that people barely every come off. 

They cleared out the NICU, we sat in there watching the surgery to put the drain in our little 4lb baby boy. They said it would help, it did I guess, but next thing we know they called in CHOPs to helavac him out. Hoping they could save him and get him the heart surgery he needed. 

He was flown out. Our mothers came in to stay with our little princess. 

We drove out to Philly. We couldn't see him for an hour after we got there. We were afraid he was already gone.  The Doctor came in to talk to us before we were allowed finally in, she said he was septic, it wasn't good. They were trying to do what they could, and that there would come a point where they wouldn't be able to do any more. But they would keep him out of pain. 

We slowly walked into the tiny room. Packed with people running in new blood, monitoring his o2 levels, figuring out tiny doses of meds for his little body. And there he lay. Tinted a blue color no baby should be, almost the same as he was when he was born too soon. Air still being forced into his tiny body, every possible point stuck with needles and covered in gauze. 

The night went on....I don't even remember how may hours we were there. I never heard one firework go off even though we were in the middle of a huge city. 

He drifted off...they revived him with a shot of epi. More time passed. More pin pricks and tests and people we didnt know poking and prodding at our little boy. And there we nothing we could do, except stop it. 

His heart rate started to drop again, his o2 levels we no longer coming up. The dr ordered more epi...we stopped her. I couldn't let them. I just needed to hold him and let him go. They disconnected  his leads, pulled out the vent, wrapped him in a blanket, his swollen, purple 4lb body, and handed him to me to hold-for the first time. 

He took his only breath on his own in my arms, his last.

Though I can not look at them, we took a picture of me holding him. Then hubby took him and rocked for a bit. 

The dr came in and called his time of death. 11:50pm, July 4th, 2004. 

They took his foot imprint and gave it to us, along with his hat and blanket. 

Till this day it is the hardest day ever. I know that he lived so my princess could live too. Once she was in the clear, he knew it was time to go. I understand it, but I still feel so much pain from it.

I love you my little angel. I miss you so.

-mommy

5 years old!

Wow. My baby girl....the little miss...is 5! It's strange to think it was 5 years ago (well in a few hours) that she was born way too early. We shouldn't be celebrating until August. But here we are in May! It feel like yesterday yet it feels like forever ago! Does that make sense?

She is gentle and shy and such a girly girl! No matter how much she tells you her favorite color is green she'll always pick out something pink! She has her own sense of style...we often refer to her has punky brewster. She's starting to sing her way through the day. I find her playing and making up tunes. She is often good to her little brother but at the same time an instigator to his madness! Over all I wouldn't trade her....even on our worst of days! Happy Birthday My Baby Girl!

May 28th, 11:32 AM, 2lb8oz, 14.5 inches long. 13 weeks early!

Love you!

The Gremlin is TWO!

My baby boy turned TWO!!! How dare he!! Where does the time go? I remember this moment like it was yesterday...not two years and a day ago. 

He's amazing. So happy and funny. Of course he fights with his sister like it's his job, which I guess it is! He's got this crazy curly hair. It needs to be cut but I just can't bare to do it yet. He's talking all the time, even it if it's not quite understandable yet! He's a bit of a scaredy cat too...but it's cute. I think I'll keep him! I'm certainly not sending him back...that space has been rented! haha.

Oh man...my babies are getting old. My Little Miss will be 5 in a month. Damn. That one super power I'd want....Freeze time.

Marching for Babies

Lets talk present first....then we'll take a little trip down memory lane.

Today was the March of Dimes, March for Babies (formally Walk America). 

We've done it every year since Little Miss, and our Angel, were born. I was out one year due to it was the day after the Gremlin was born...and I'm crazy but not that crazy!

It's just a relaxing "walk", it's all families, there because they've been touched by premature birth of someone they love. I can't say it's run very organized...but it's mostly volunteers so what can you ask for!

Needless to say it was very warm today! I think when we got out of the car at 9:20AM it was 80degrees. So for a day in April the beach looked it was July. The boardwalk was hopping all the vendors were open the walkers had to dodge cars on the streets they were walking! But all was good. The kids survived but were not happy. They bickered a bit, but all in all. We finished in under 2hours. Which I think...6 miles..probably a bit more, or it was on the map anyway...really it took 2hrs? But there were plenty of people trailing behind....and a ton that dropped off the trail, back to the beginning to hang and eat!! Oh well. They already gave in their money so go ahead! Cheat! ahahha. 

My feet are a bit swollen, but maybe if I came home and sat for a moment they would have been ok. BUT instead we threw a family b bq shindig for the Gremlins 2nd bday! Nice. He was crazy as always, never disappoints! 

Next chapter: HISTORY.

At some point...

At some point my body may just pass out. Seriously. I of course expected it when the kids were babies. But 4.5 and 1.5? I actually know people that kiss their kids on the head...give them a squeeze...plop them in bed or crib....turn off the light...and leave. AND THE KIDS GO TO BED! ALL NIGHT! I think they may drug them? That's my theory anyway. 

Little Miss was doing sooooo well. We'd still have to lay with her to go to sleep but a little nap at 8 never hurt any of us! But she's stay in bed and just join us or me in the early AM. Fine. While I was prego with the Gremlin, Lil Miss slowly joined us earlier and earlier. The once Gremlin was here she wouldn't leave! And quite frankly being up every 2 hours I didn't care where she was as long as she was asleep. It's not like I was laying there anyway! To get her out was hard...Hubby has spent alot of time sleeping in a twin bed with her. It did get better. And for the most part she stays there now...last night she didn't. 

No I do believe the Gremlin my have some ear issue going on again. He doesn't sleep well when that is happening. I've either gotten him at 3 and dealt with him rolling back and forth between us all night or slept in the guest room...or in the chair depending on how fast the me to him sleeping happened! haha. I'm just tired. Worn out. More so than I was when he was a baby. It's like my body said...hey....I gave you a year....now get some stinking rest!!! And I'm not a napper. I can't just lay down at 2:30 and take a snooze. I didn't do that when either of them were little. It  never happened with the Gremlin because Lil Miss must take after me and doesn't nap either! 

So this is my delirious post. I probably talked in circles...I just don't care. All I ask is those people with the "kid sleeping all night" drugs send me some!!! Please. I've served my time!!

Sibling Super Bowl PreGame

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the SIBLING SUPER BOWL!

The home advantage team "Lil Miss" will be taking on the newly independent "Gremlin." 

Never before in franchise history has there been such a match up. 

Lil Miss has superior screaming ability, height advantage, and tattling skills.

Gremlin brings brute force, full set of teeth, and willingness to sacrifice his whole body.

This promises to be a history making event.  Stay tuned!

under the influence

So lately my lil'Miss has been coming out with some doozies! She tells me things "freaked her out" and "that's insane" like she's Crazy Eddie! ha.

Sometimes her little attitude shocks me. I believe it's under the influence of some of her school friends. One particular girl (we'll call her E), lives close, and she's the oldest of 4 girls. And yes...she's 4! Ok just about 5, but do the math. Anywho she's very....vocal? And opinionated? I'm not sure how to else to say it...precocious. You might snap judge and say "brat", but being 3 other kids in the house 3,1,and new. I'm not sure brat is fair. Anyway...

When lil'Miss is around E alot she comes home with her personality. UGH. I don't have the tolerance for that AT ALL! Now I love E's family...but everyone raises their children differently and I'm not about to go tell them their daughter needs an attitude adjustment! Even if she does! If lil'Miss yelled at me like I've seen E yell back at her parents (yes again...4yrold) I'd have a tough time holding back my hand. And I'm not a spanker nor a spanking threat person. 

It's funny how kids copy other people. I've seen both of my monkeys copy myself. Lil'Miss talks to the lil'Gremlin like I speak to him which is absolutely adorable! I've also seen the lil' Gremlin copy my hand motions while I'm doing just about everything! I guess that's how they learn...but it's still funny..and scary! How do you stop the influence you don't want when it's likely you kids will be across the street from each other through high school (unless they raise the taxes again then we're all screwed!)? Lets just hope eventually they fall into different groups and they're just friendly not BBF's!

just step over it!

I often find myself freaking out over the amount of toys and kid crap around here. And yes I know, you say well you have kids. You're right. I know! I don't know if I wish for better organization of the toys or more storage that hides it...but I just can't seem to get rid of alot of it. And I know plenty of people that could come over here and just weed it all out for me. But I want my kids to have all the stuff they want to play. We're able to give them alot, not everything, but alot either by hand-me-downs or gifts or just on a whim. And my Mother-In-Law is notorious for commenting that we have a toy store in here, or that the kid just don't have any toys---sarcastically of course--.  But I'm sure my husband didn't grow up with a shoe string and a box to play with! And I had a playroom when growing up and we were by no means well off...or even close to it. 

So what's wrong with alot of toys? Nothing if you don't have to clean it I suppose! I'll just step over it until they out grow it all, cause by then I'll miss watching them play with it all and wish I had something to laugh about while I wonder how the doll house pieces got all the way under the real kitchen table!

It's not a 3 car garage!

Ok so we're lucky enough to have a 2 car garage. However, my van and my husbands truck take up a good portion of the room. My daughters cherry red mustang just doesn't fit!! I trip over it, whap my knee on it, have to climb over it to get the kids out of the car! Now I know what your thinking...'why does your 4 year old have a car?' Well it's one of those little two seat battery cars. It's adorable. I wish I had that actual car! But in the summer we drag it up from the basement and she gets to drive it around the driveway and side walk and when the boys next door break out their jeep it's like a small speedway!  We took out the screw that let it go top speed because the jeep was completely running  down the mustang (unheard of in real cars!) and now the mustang does circles around it! But it's time to put on the tarp and store it for winter! My knees need time to recover! And I'd like to walk through the garage for a bit without my mountain climbing gear!

village of insomniacs

I would never sit here and say either of my children are good sleepers. 

My Daughter slept though the night in her bassinette but once she was put into the crib, FOR-GET-IT! She ended up in bed with us. She's sleep for about 2hrs then wake up and I'd bring her in bed. Which really, I was fine with. We all got to sleep. She's stay out till I got up, which was sometimes later than I'd like to admit :)

We put up a "big girl bed" and she'd sleep in there more of the night but to the same result. 

Once my Son came along she wouldn't get out of our bed. If he was in there...so was she. I vowed to put him in his crib. All the time. Well he sleeps like a champ for naps. Night is another story. He sleeps till about 3 or 4 AM then I take him in bed. Only thing is once he's awake...HE's AWAKE! Chatting, slapping, trying to escape. 

This in turns wakes up the other one who also wants to join us. Now my poor husband ends up bringing her back to bed and staying there with her in her twin bed. 

I've tried to let him scream at night and he doesn't give up. He just screams. Then none of us sleep. We've also tried putting her back in bed alone and she too screams, of course neither of them do this when the other one is awake. So we all know that end  result! 

So here I sit, at unlawful hours in the AM. I don't think I've had a full, good night sleep in 5 years. Wow. I'm tired.

the passive parent

So we're at a halloween party this weekend. It's usually all adults and my daughter being the only kid there. So needless to say it was calm. Well last year it's been stocking up with kids! My son included. This year...holy crap!!!! There were more kids there than I'd ever want in my house! The party hostesses are expecting #1 next month. All I can say is good thing they didn't have this many kids last year!!! ahha.

Anywho the passive parent. Well their neighbors were there this time. I think 4 neighbor houses...7kids. We let them all run around outside since it wasn't raining yet and to get them out of the house...the neighbor kids were running around knocking each other down, and the smaller kids as they got in their way, screaming!!!!!!!! The parents...standing INSIDE at the door, watching and every so often knocking on the window and shaking her head!!! YEA LADY, VERY EFFECTIVE!!!! Then when it started to rain and the monsters were all forced inside (by me, i should have let them get soaked, but I wanted to salvage our friends house) the mother yet again would simply say, "oh no honey, we don't touch their china cabinet" WHAT!!!! First of all "touch" and "run full force and stop with your hands" are two different things!! Now I'm not strict, and I'm sure I've passed off a few "honey" comments too...but in someone elses house with a bunch of small kids I'm fairly aware where my children are and what they're doing!!

It's 10 O'clock lady...do you know where you're kids are????

the drama

Isn't it funny how I can clean the house in moments. All the toys where they belong... even when it looks like a tornado came though (or my son)! Hubby could be sitting on the couch or doing something "important" and by the time he offers or is ready to help I'm done! Well yesterday hubby starts to, well lets call it clean, and all's he could do is complain about how much CRAP we have and WE should clean it out and how it's IMPOSSIBLE to put it all back!!! WTF?! Funny right?!

it's been a while

Well I'm still here. Not that anyone is reading. I'm not a blogger, yet! I'm working on it though. Of course that does explain the month or so absence!! 

So I thought I should make this a bit more personal. Why not....no ones looking anyway! 

I'm a Stay at Home Mom. Going on 5 years now. I can't believe it. I love it though. I love being the one to raise my kids. It's really all I ever wanted. Of course it does come with the fact I went out on leave from an absoutly horrible job. Bad hours, bad commute, not a great salary but that wasn't the problem at the time! So I wanted out. Even if it wasn't to have kids!

So here I am. Two kids, dog, fish, husband!