BABY BOY!!!

It's a boy!!! 8lb12oz 21in long. Born right on his due date just like his brother~ This one's going to be a monster...he already looks huge. I'm gushing.

and 5 years have gone by...

Well it's been 5 years since we lost our little boy. He was just 37 days old. 

The entire day was probably one of the longest days of my life. We got a phone call at 9 am saying they needed permission to give him antibiotics...the Doctor called, not the nurse, she sounded concerned. We rushed right in. From there it's a blur. 

He was all distended, not moving, glazed eyes. It was horrible. Nurses and respiratory people, Doctors all around him. They called for a surgical consult to relieve the pressure building in his belly. They put him back on the osculating respirator--one he had come off of twice, one that people barely every come off. 

They cleared out the NICU, we sat in there watching the surgery to put the drain in our little 4lb baby boy. They said it would help, it did I guess, but next thing we know they called in CHOPs to helavac him out. Hoping they could save him and get him the heart surgery he needed. 

He was flown out. Our mothers came in to stay with our little princess. 

We drove out to Philly. We couldn't see him for an hour after we got there. We were afraid he was already gone.  The Doctor came in to talk to us before we were allowed finally in, she said he was septic, it wasn't good. They were trying to do what they could, and that there would come a point where they wouldn't be able to do any more. But they would keep him out of pain. 

We slowly walked into the tiny room. Packed with people running in new blood, monitoring his o2 levels, figuring out tiny doses of meds for his little body. And there he lay. Tinted a blue color no baby should be, almost the same as he was when he was born too soon. Air still being forced into his tiny body, every possible point stuck with needles and covered in gauze. 

The night went on....I don't even remember how may hours we were there. I never heard one firework go off even though we were in the middle of a huge city. 

He drifted off...they revived him with a shot of epi. More time passed. More pin pricks and tests and people we didnt know poking and prodding at our little boy. And there we nothing we could do, except stop it. 

His heart rate started to drop again, his o2 levels we no longer coming up. The dr ordered more epi...we stopped her. I couldn't let them. I just needed to hold him and let him go. They disconnected  his leads, pulled out the vent, wrapped him in a blanket, his swollen, purple 4lb body, and handed him to me to hold-for the first time. 

He took his only breath on his own in my arms, his last.

Though I can not look at them, we took a picture of me holding him. Then hubby took him and rocked for a bit. 

The dr came in and called his time of death. 11:50pm, July 4th, 2004. 

They took his foot imprint and gave it to us, along with his hat and blanket. 

Till this day it is the hardest day ever. I know that he lived so my princess could live too. Once she was in the clear, he knew it was time to go. I understand it, but I still feel so much pain from it.

I love you my little angel. I miss you so.

-mommy

5 years old!

Wow. My baby girl....the little miss...is 5! It's strange to think it was 5 years ago (well in a few hours) that she was born way too early. We shouldn't be celebrating until August. But here we are in May! It feel like yesterday yet it feels like forever ago! Does that make sense?

She is gentle and shy and such a girly girl! No matter how much she tells you her favorite color is green she'll always pick out something pink! She has her own sense of style...we often refer to her has punky brewster. She's starting to sing her way through the day. I find her playing and making up tunes. She is often good to her little brother but at the same time an instigator to his madness! Over all I wouldn't trade her....even on our worst of days! Happy Birthday My Baby Girl!

May 28th, 11:32 AM, 2lb8oz, 14.5 inches long. 13 weeks early!

Love you!

Long time no see!

Well it's been a while. I have to say not much has been going on! Besides time passing me by!

My belly is getting bigger. The kiddies are getting bigger. The sun is some how making an appearance today but I'm not getting too excited as it usually doesn't stay for too long! 

But that's about it. The days are filling up on the calender. Little Miss will be 5 next week. Then we have the big family wedding...the ballet performance...another wedding....a small vacation...eek! Then what Kindergarten?! It just goes too fast! 

Hope everyone is well and enjoying time as it goes flying by!

The Gremlin is TWO!

My baby boy turned TWO!!! How dare he!! Where does the time go? I remember this moment like it was yesterday...not two years and a day ago. 

He's amazing. So happy and funny. Of course he fights with his sister like it's his job, which I guess it is! He's got this crazy curly hair. It needs to be cut but I just can't bare to do it yet. He's talking all the time, even it if it's not quite understandable yet! He's a bit of a scaredy cat too...but it's cute. I think I'll keep him! I'm certainly not sending him back...that space has been rented! haha.

Oh man...my babies are getting old. My Little Miss will be 5 in a month. Damn. That one super power I'd want....Freeze time.

Marching for Babies

Lets talk present first....then we'll take a little trip down memory lane.

Today was the March of Dimes, March for Babies (formally Walk America). 

We've done it every year since Little Miss, and our Angel, were born. I was out one year due to it was the day after the Gremlin was born...and I'm crazy but not that crazy!

It's just a relaxing "walk", it's all families, there because they've been touched by premature birth of someone they love. I can't say it's run very organized...but it's mostly volunteers so what can you ask for!

Needless to say it was very warm today! I think when we got out of the car at 9:20AM it was 80degrees. So for a day in April the beach looked it was July. The boardwalk was hopping all the vendors were open the walkers had to dodge cars on the streets they were walking! But all was good. The kids survived but were not happy. They bickered a bit, but all in all. We finished in under 2hours. Which I think...6 miles..probably a bit more, or it was on the map anyway...really it took 2hrs? But there were plenty of people trailing behind....and a ton that dropped off the trail, back to the beginning to hang and eat!! Oh well. They already gave in their money so go ahead! Cheat! ahahha. 

My feet are a bit swollen, but maybe if I came home and sat for a moment they would have been ok. BUT instead we threw a family b bq shindig for the Gremlins 2nd bday! Nice. He was crazy as always, never disappoints! 

Next chapter: HISTORY.

getting there...

Well I can't believe my baby boy (aka gremlin) will be two on tuesday! Where did the time go?? He's such a happy boy. I really couldn't ask for a better kid. Though I might be asking for one when he's 3! lol.

In the meantime that photo of my Dad sideways is driving me nutz!!! I have to fix it. 

I'm very happy to see the sun today. Even if it is still a bit chilly out. We have the march of dimes walk on Sunday and for the first time in 5 years it might be warm out!! I don't think we've had a year with out it at least starting out with rain! But it will be on the boardwalk so it might be cooler...but I'll take it! 

I'm just trying to catch up a bit....I'll do a post for the gremlin when I can connect to my photos, and then stay tuned for the announcement that you all know about but I'll put it in writing! 

cheers!

A month

Well yesterday was Easter. The first holiday without my Dad. Not only that it has been a month since he passed away. It was hard. Knowing how much he liked to eat...and watch the kids get all hopped up on sugar! Not to mention it was a really nice day out, I could just see him out there wandering around the front yard chasing them around. Mom was having a hard time. Not to mention my Sister flew off to Florida last night and my Brother may as well be a snot nosed sob living in the house. Seriously...he's 21, no job, not going to school again, GET A FREAKING LIFE! Sorry...side track. So Mom took it hard. 

I  drove up there today, every time I drive up there I get emotional. Just knowing he won't be there...passing the exit for the hospital, then just watching him go right in front of me. That image just haunts me, everyday. Every time I think of a good memory...it end in his last breath. I'm glad I was there for him...but there's something to be said about seeing him as you want to remember him. 

Need less to say I miss him alot. I miss him just showing up at my door with a bag full of dollar store goodies for the monkeys. Sitting on the deck pulling in whatever sea air he could smell. Taking a ride down to the piers to see what was "biting". I miss his smell. Cigarettes and paint and coffee. I miss his mess. He always made a mess. The kitchen at my parents was never clean. Whatever meal he came up with to snack on was still on the stove in the pan. Of course alot of these memories were even a year before he passed. I don't so much remember him sick and weak...that was not him. I always loved his dirty paint and dirt covered hands. Ape like in size and in texture (i imagine). Tough...he could reach right into the oven and take out a pan. 

Anyway. Happy Easter Dad. I made a batch of deviled eggs for you!

dreaded entry

Well it is the entry I most dread. Much like the day I was much dreading. I'll likely write more but I felt I needed to add something into March.

My Father passed away just a little past midnight on March 12th. We were all with him. Which was good because no one should die alone. But it is an image I will never get rid of. Ever. 

We had his wake and funeral. There were an abundance of people and it felt so good to know so many people love and were touched by him. I just wish it didn't have to be this way. He was so strong and such a tough guy and just loved everyone. And he went out in a hospital, drugged up so he could feel no pain, because he was promised by his dr that he would never suffer. 

My Mom, My Brother and Sister, My Grandma, My Aunt, My Godfather (his best friend) and his Wife were all there with him when he left this earth. A day I dreaded. A day I cried over before it even happened. A day I'll never forget. 

I can't write more now. I'm crying again and it's hard to see the screen.

TTFN

Lost control

So I have no control of my day any longer.  The year started out well then it all went to the crapper. Lil Miss would go to school for 2.5 hours, the Gremlin would nap and I would mad clean! But no longer. Now I'm lucky if the dishes get done. Or maybe the floor is vacuumed. Only one thing a day lately. What happened??? I was doing so well. His naps have become harder to keep. I'm doomed if he out grows them. My motivation is gone. I've lost control!

Dreams do come true?

So I've been having the strangest dreams lately! From having a garage sale to get rid of all our stuff...I mean all...to flying a jet plane! I don't know if it's lack of sleep which gives me lack of time to make sense and random images just form a dream!!!! Or maybe my brain is actually broken!! Like it's glitching out! Skipping vital information! Then the alarm clock goes off...I mean the Gremlin is screaming... and the strange images stop. 

I've always had vivid dreams. I also had those recurring dreams...ever since I can actually remember. I know people always say they have a bit of the 6th sense in them, and I guess I'm one of them but I seem to know when something is wrong. I knew when my great uncle died, I knew when my sister was brought to the hospital, though they were all dreams with references to them and something that related to the situation. But the most vivid dream or flashes I had was of my son dying. And when it happened, it was right on spot. Down to the blanket. Yes...it was horrifying. 

But I digress...

So do dreams come true?? I hope not, I'm not a fan of flying!

Man Baby

So the Hubby has not been feeling well for...oh about a week or so now. Maybe less...feels like more. What is it with Men that they can not deal with anything? Every little ache or sniffle I had to not only hear about it but try and figure out what it was!! At some point I said stop asking me I'm not a doctor!!! Not to mention if I'm sick before hand it's my fault and his is much worse! And if I'm sick after he had the same thing only worse! WTF! He's been in bed by 9 the past 3 nights...sleeping alone in OUR bed while I deal with the children that don't sleep and he just "can't deal " with anything else. So if I'm sick I was told it's my fault if I don't complain enough! I told him nobody listens or cares if I have a problem so I don't bother anymore! He just have me a look and a sniffle and laid down. MAN BABY!

Valentines Day

Even as I typed the label in for this I laughed a bit thinking Valentines Day is a holiday. It's nice to remind yourself, your spouse, anyone really about the love you have for them, but a holiday?? I'm still questioning that! We only exchange cards. We gave the kids a little something but we didn't exchange. I'm fine with that. I don't want to spend the extra money...besides I enjoyed the Chinese food we got to treat ourselves to! 

I am reminded that 12 years ago today Hubby "popped the question." It was really sweet. We were only in our apartment for 2 weeks. I had a basketball game to coach and we drove up to it and he dropped me off and little known to me, drove over to my parents to "ask for my hand" from my Dad. 

I mean I knew we'd get married. I just didn't know when the official things would happen! I was very surprised. 

We got home had a nice dinner that we cooked, sat down to exchange gifts and he gave me this strange box (not a ring box), I looked at him like oh god what did you get?! As I opened it he got down on one knee! So cute. 

We were married a year and 10 months later! Hey man we needed time to save!! But I'm happy we paid for it even though it hurt at the time! I'll never have to hear "we paid for your wedding" not that either of our families are in the position to do that anyway!

So this year is 10 years for us. 

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

AC BABY!

So this Sunday I will be off to AC BABY! My Moms office is doing a fundraiser for my Dad. My Dad won't be able to go. It's a fairly long ride and then alot of walking. I said I'd push him around but my Mom thinks the ride is what's going to be too much. I guess. I wish he could go. My brother is all po'ed too since he'll be 21 NEXT week! hahah. But at least there is someone to stay with Dad. 

I've been to AC one other time. I took my Mom down for her 50th Birthday. It was fun. This time we're taking a bus! I'm going with them and a friend of mine, my college roommate, is going too! I'm so excited. I really haven't done anything for a whole day with out the kids or the husband in a really long time...or at all since kids! Crazy. I don't know what I'm going to do! Screw the slots or cards!! I'm going to be so happy to just be out!! I hope hubby survives the day. Of course he'll be headed up to his parents house. (like every male left alone with kids) Only this is for his fathers birthday and his brother and sisters 30th birthday dinner. They're going out, thanks to grandpa, then back to the smoke house for cake. I've already voiced my "don't keep the kids in that smoke crap house for too long" opinion. We'll see how that works. He has that major guilt from his Mother about not being there...even without her saying it. But my MIL and FIL both smoke....constantly!! The house stinks. And in turn you stink! ANYWHO...

Back to AC! I hope everything goes well and I'm not reminded of this day away every time I want to go somewhere!! We'll see!

LET IT RIDE!

At some point...

At some point my body may just pass out. Seriously. I of course expected it when the kids were babies. But 4.5 and 1.5? I actually know people that kiss their kids on the head...give them a squeeze...plop them in bed or crib....turn off the light...and leave. AND THE KIDS GO TO BED! ALL NIGHT! I think they may drug them? That's my theory anyway. 

Little Miss was doing sooooo well. We'd still have to lay with her to go to sleep but a little nap at 8 never hurt any of us! But she's stay in bed and just join us or me in the early AM. Fine. While I was prego with the Gremlin, Lil Miss slowly joined us earlier and earlier. The once Gremlin was here she wouldn't leave! And quite frankly being up every 2 hours I didn't care where she was as long as she was asleep. It's not like I was laying there anyway! To get her out was hard...Hubby has spent alot of time sleeping in a twin bed with her. It did get better. And for the most part she stays there now...last night she didn't. 

No I do believe the Gremlin my have some ear issue going on again. He doesn't sleep well when that is happening. I've either gotten him at 3 and dealt with him rolling back and forth between us all night or slept in the guest room...or in the chair depending on how fast the me to him sleeping happened! haha. I'm just tired. Worn out. More so than I was when he was a baby. It's like my body said...hey....I gave you a year....now get some stinking rest!!! And I'm not a napper. I can't just lay down at 2:30 and take a snooze. I didn't do that when either of them were little. It  never happened with the Gremlin because Lil Miss must take after me and doesn't nap either! 

So this is my delirious post. I probably talked in circles...I just don't care. All I ask is those people with the "kid sleeping all night" drugs send me some!!! Please. I've served my time!!

Sibling Super Bowl PreGame

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the SIBLING SUPER BOWL!

The home advantage team "Lil Miss" will be taking on the newly independent "Gremlin." 

Never before in franchise history has there been such a match up. 

Lil Miss has superior screaming ability, height advantage, and tattling skills.

Gremlin brings brute force, full set of teeth, and willingness to sacrifice his whole body.

This promises to be a history making event.  Stay tuned!

History

Just a quick note to mention the amazing moment in history today. I've said I'm not a supporter of Obama's plan but for the historical aspect it was amazing. The ceremony, the people. Wow.

Just a note! Welcome, and congratulations President Obama. Please don't disappoint us!

Out of control

So I'm sort of in a crappy position. I probably have said it before but my family never had money. Never had it to be good or bad with...it was just all bad. So now with my father being sick, and though he may not have a salary coming in he has SS and a Vets payments. Regardless it's not alot...at all. My Mom works full time at a Drs office and she makes enough to live on...herself...not to mention  my siblings to care for and my Dad...medical bills, and all the normal household expenses. Sorry...I digress...

They are in serious need of help. I really want to just go in...collect all the bills...even the ones she doesn't admit too and help them organize them. Give them a fighting chance. But I don't want to be the bad guy. I don't want take away the money she thinks she has to go shopping which she shouldn't do anyway cause she doesn't have it to spend shopping!!!!! I know. I'm talking circles. But what do I do? I can't financially help out. But I don't want them to lose their home. I don't want them to go into bankruptcy AGAIN. Now what?? Do I just suck up the hate and help? Even if I give her the tools to do it herself I don't think she would. See her "drug" her "antidepressant" is shopping. UGH. It's just out of control.

under the influence

So lately my lil'Miss has been coming out with some doozies! She tells me things "freaked her out" and "that's insane" like she's Crazy Eddie! ha.

Sometimes her little attitude shocks me. I believe it's under the influence of some of her school friends. One particular girl (we'll call her E), lives close, and she's the oldest of 4 girls. And yes...she's 4! Ok just about 5, but do the math. Anywho she's very....vocal? And opinionated? I'm not sure how to else to say it...precocious. You might snap judge and say "brat", but being 3 other kids in the house 3,1,and new. I'm not sure brat is fair. Anyway...

When lil'Miss is around E alot she comes home with her personality. UGH. I don't have the tolerance for that AT ALL! Now I love E's family...but everyone raises their children differently and I'm not about to go tell them their daughter needs an attitude adjustment! Even if she does! If lil'Miss yelled at me like I've seen E yell back at her parents (yes again...4yrold) I'd have a tough time holding back my hand. And I'm not a spanker nor a spanking threat person. 

It's funny how kids copy other people. I've seen both of my monkeys copy myself. Lil'Miss talks to the lil'Gremlin like I speak to him which is absolutely adorable! I've also seen the lil' Gremlin copy my hand motions while I'm doing just about everything! I guess that's how they learn...but it's still funny..and scary! How do you stop the influence you don't want when it's likely you kids will be across the street from each other through high school (unless they raise the taxes again then we're all screwed!)? Lets just hope eventually they fall into different groups and they're just friendly not BBF's!

Movin' and Shakin'

Wow. This month is already on the move!!! School is back in session, all, and I mean ALL, of the holiday parties are finished! I just wanted to drop in and say howdy!  

I noticed that I had a few bills hanging around and I though oh no!!!! But luckily I knew that things would get crazy and had them all ready to go! That is one very very nice thing about online banking! I used to swear by my checks...but with all the chaos now..piles of mail and TOYS everywhere...to hop on the computer and do the bills...phew!

I did manage to change my page a little. Nothing exciting. I have to get some photos on my laptop so I can start putting them on here. I'm not sure how or who will be the first! 

Can I just say the lil Gremlin was exactly that today!! He wouldn't stop climbing onto his toys, chairs, couch, dishwasher...you name it his leg was trying to flip himself over onto it! 

Well that's it for my mindless rambling. 

Hope all is well in cyberspace!

Resolution Time!

OK. New. Happy Post!

Well maybe not birds chirping critters following cartoon happy! But none the less happy! ha!

So I was watching Oprah last night. It was all about how she fell off the wagon, and she was really honest, though it still sounded "poor me" which is hard to relate to Oprah! But...It was alot about putting yourself on the "list". You know the to do list. Laundry, Floors, Food shopping...ME! haha.

Hubby was on the computer while I was watching and folding laundry. I wonder if any sunk in to him...that I really don't do much for me. We'll see!

So this year, Oprah and I (heeeheee), are putting ourselves on the list! 

I tend to run around like a crazy woman while lil Miss is at school and lil Gremlin (my baby boys new nickname) is sleeping. Instead I think I'll do some things---I don't want to seem lazy--then I'll sit and read, or email, or god forbid EXERCISE! ha. 

I would really like to get healthy. And yea of course lose that pesky weight, but first healthy. I don't want to eat the crappy foods anymore. Over the holidays I went hogwild since it was everywhere I turned. But I felt horrible, bloated, my skin turned on me, uck. 

I want to get out more. Not party out, but just out. Walk around the block if it's not frigid! Go to the Mall, Meet up with friends, Visit family. Maybe not doing any of these over food would be helpful!!

I'd really really like to get into the city with the kids and see some of the museums. It's something I love and I want my kiddies to love it too.

I want to stop thinking doing the dishes or putting away laundry is more important at the time than playing a game with lil Miss---even if I despise puzzles! 

WELL that's a good start. I could go on forever really. Baby steps. I'm going to progress on these first...then I'll add.

TTFN!

PS: I need to jazz up this blog....JBM I need some help over here!!!

reality...it's so close

I was going to make my first post of the year happy and cheery and full of resolutions I'd hope to keep. Alas I just don't have it in me today. I'm a disaster. The kids are fine, hubby's fine, I'm ok. 

I was talking with Mom, this usually sparks something, and she actually sounded scared for my Dad. She said he was in so much pain last night she just about brought him to the ER to get some IV meds. She said he was besides himself in pain, the drugs weren't working. She thought the hospital would at least be able to give him more. He sounded ok today. Mom said he was actually better, hungry, and moving around. I think it was one of the first times I've actually heard her scared...not just medically playing the role of he's sick. 

Then that weighs on my mind for the rest of the day. I think I should be asking him questions I don't know the answers too...getting his special BBQ sauce recipe....taking photos and recording his voice. Reality is scary. Really Really Scary.

I think of all of it I'm terrified of talking to my Daughter about it. She's going to be the one with all the questions I can't answer. Do I prep her...tell her he's sick. But then will she think that everyone who's sick will leave her? OH MY GOD. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. I think this is the worst thing. 

For me I've already lost a good part of my Dad this winter. Once he really got sick, wouldn't eat, lost weight, couldn't move around. It was just hard to see him the same. But my baby girl, still sees her Gramps, just with no hair. And though my lil Boy loves him, and goes right to him, he may look for him, but he just won't understand at all. 

I'm just, besides myself. 

I apologize for the sad new years greetings for those who do read. I can't constantly impale my poor husband with my emotions. He has his mother who is a case of her own to deal with. 

thanks all. The outlet is very much needed.